Any College Student

Global warming, global depression to follow

2007-01-23T18:28:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness... global warming, doom. Who wants to move to another solar system? *sigh* Let's thank our parents for handing this generation an earth that can't support us.

Where have I been? Where will I be? These are questions. (That last one was a sentence)

2007-01-19T14:48:00.000-05:00

I had surgery. And now I can walk! (I could also walk before the surgery, so it's not that big of a miracle...)

My birthday is tomorrow. Guess how old I am? I'm 20 years, 364 days old.

But I just had surgery I seem to be friends with munchkins or something, so I wouldn't be able to go clubbing anyway. Instead, I'm forcing my family (mom, stepdad, aunt, uncle) to take me to a nice dinner where I can throw back cocktails like no one's business (especially yours).

I then fly back to school the following morning (hangover flight?). Fortunately, I signed up for wheelchair assistance. I hope my wheeler is hot.

OR's birthday

2006-12-02T12:10:00.000-05:00

Last night it was OR (old roommate)'s birthday celebration. We sat around in my room with HP (heterophobe), S, and a couple others. We smoked a couple bowls and then went over to a friend's to smoke some more.

I know I was high, and thus lazy, but even when I am not high I am so much lazier than my friends are when they ARE high. This is kind of sad and I would work on it... but... it sounds kind of hard.

I think OR would be mad if she knew that her name on my blog is OR, because she's so proud of her home state... and her home state is not Oregon. She finally confided in me that she thinks there's something wrong with her because she's so afraid to go out with boys. She was set up on a blind double date with her friends and some guy, and she's freaking out about it. But not in the "what should I wear" way. She just complains about his looks (based on 1 facebook picture) and uses other comments that reveal her bias against having a good time.

I got in an argument with OR when I tried to explain that it would be scary for me to "fall" in economic class. It's just me being honest. If you're used to having a car per person and the ability to fly around to visit your family for the holidays, and your career doesn't allow you to maintain that lifestyle... it's kind of scary. It's not something a lot of people talk about, and I thought it was a pretty brave thing to say in an environment where nobody talks about money. But instead of being receptive at all, she basically made me feel like a rich spoiled brat (which I am not) by saying "I don't know what you're talking about" and "That shouldn't bother people." I'm sure my parents have more money than hers, but we aren't personally in a vastly different economic position. (I have about the same amount of $ in my bank account and have to support myself just like she does)

So... not really an amusing post.

Success!

2006-12-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

So I just found out yesterday that I got my dream internship for next semester! :) I could be famous yet!

More posts soon.

Real words are SO lame

2006-11-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

Can't I write a paper like I write IMs? No one told me my college education was supposed to teach me how to write in proper English!!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/11/11/nz.text.ap/index.html

Drunk people don't spill

2006-11-12T15:45:00.000-05:00

In the state where you've had enough alcohol, but somehow feel desperate for just one more drink, I triumphantly walked to the table in my host's living room, which was garnished with a bottle or two of liquor and some exciting mixers (cream soda?! sooo exciting).

I skillfully poured about a shot into a cup, then reached for the cream soda. My back turned to the vodka, I suddenly felt a freezing cold liquid spill on my skirt. I swung around, angry. "What the fuck?!!! Who spilled this on me?" I looked at the closest logical person, my roommate. She looked confused.

"What?"

"Someone spilled the vodka on me! What the hell!"

"Um, it wasn't me."

"Okay, then who was it?" I looked around. The roommate was the closest person to the table, and she was sitting down about 2 feet away.

... I still swear I didn't do it.

For a stonking time, call...

2006-11-06T17:50:00.000-05:00

At the weekly staff meeting today, our British boss patiently listened to a report on the ratings for the SciFi channel, then responded:

"That's really stonking news."

There was a pause, and then a voice: "That means good, right?"

My internship

2006-10-03T16:44:00.000-04:00

So... I decided to maybe try posting again. Since my life got a little more interesting. Not much, but a little.

Anyway, today I sent an IM to my supervisor:

Me: so you said something about a cute outfit when we were in the conference room and i wasnt sure if you were talking to me or to dana, so i kind of ignored the comment because i always assume that people are talking to other people & not to me. so - if you were talking to me, i would like to apologize for my rudeness and thank you for the compliment. if you weren't, then this will be somewhat embarrassing for me.
Her: LOL
Her: it was you. like the tights adn dress combo
Her: you're a nut.

Obviously, I'm not the smoothest intern.

I also managed to imply that another coworker is getting fat. I have no idea how that happened, except that he didn't respond well to a joke. (How can I know that he's getting fat if I didn't know him a month ago?) Not that my joke went "What's up man? You look fatter today!"

... again. Not the smoothest.

But I still love technology...

2006-09-13T11:08:00.000-04:00

This news is from Cynopsis' September 13th newsletter:

"In an anticipated move, Apple has developed a new gadget allowing consumers to stream full-length movies, photos, podcasts and TV shows to their home entertainment system. Code-named iTV, the player will cost $299 and be available in first quarter next year."

Pretty sweet, eh? Look out TiVo... okay, maybe not. The movies still cost about $13 and TV shows will not be free. But, quite a cool idea for technology.

Thing is, if you already have a TV, why stream movies or TV shows from the internet onto your TV? The only reason it would be worth it is if you're not paying for cable, I guess. We'll see how iTV goes.

Finally....

2006-08-22T18:56:00.000-04:00

"Dear [Any College Student],

Congratulations on being accepted into NBC Universal's Fall Internship Program specifically with Sci Fi Off Air Promos. [Jane Doe] will be your supervisor and she will confirm your start date with you.

[a lot of businessy stuff like internship training and forms, etc.]"

So... I now have an internship in Marketing with the SciFi channel, owned by NBC! And I might even get to shadow a producer for commercials they shoot.

So... envy me. :)

Muscle Relaxants

2006-08-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

I'm fucked up on muscle relaxants so thought I'd write a post. Pretty fancy, eh?

Well it'd be more fun if I didn't actually have something wrong with me. Unfortunately I killed my leg yesterday when I was stretching and now I have to go see a specialist. (By "now", I mean tomorrow)

I got a TV for my room! Nobody realizes how exciting this is. Unless you're jumping for joy, you don't realize how excited I am. I can't jump though (the leg).

But I can go lay down, and I think I might. Peace out, homies.

NBC? I guess that's not slummin it

2006-08-09T18:17:00.000-04:00

So... Don't freak out or anything.

But I submitted my resume to cyberspace. On NBC's website.

And I got a call. And an interview. And a referral, and another interview.

And now I'm set to interview the manager of the marketing department for the SciFi channel next week so they can make a decision. About having me be their intern.

Seriously? Seriously!

Quote of the Day

2006-08-02T13:08:00.000-04:00

My coworker: "I hate feeling like crap, it puts me in a bad mood."

How to break into the business... the old fashioned way

2006-07-31T11:24:00.000-04:00

So, my passion in life is television.

Not only am I passionate about watching it (hey, who needs sleep?!) but I want to work in it. I want to get into the nitty gritty, production work, deal with the lame actors, read the scripts, and make the magic happen.

Even if it means working as a production assistant for a reality show (Nanny 911...)

Even if it means working as an intern for an outrageous talk show (The Maury Show?)

With the stars in my eyes from reading all the wonderful internship descriptions on network websites (example below*), it was a little hard for me to accept that yes, I will have to start out by working on shows that I snub on a regular basis. Hopefully that will impress my future employers.

* This is the description of one of NBC's corporate internships:
Program Standards & Compliance
Intern's function: Assist in reviewing and monitoring all East Coast based shows (aka watch lots and lots of TV)for content with an eye toward standards; making notes on content and compliance. Will gather audience feedback on all shows (talk to people about TV) and keep VP and Sr. Director (get to know management)apprised of ratings and press. Will also help in implementing and tracking TV parental guideline ratings and advisories for all shows.

Boring office girl

2006-07-08T15:21:00.000-04:00

So, I very much slacked on blogging about my work experience. In addition, I forgot all of the ideas for posts. Except this one.

The office is in a two-story building which houses the company I work for and three others. It was a little awkward running into people I didn't recognize, because they never said anything to me. After working there for about a week, I noticed that there was a woman who was stealing all my routines.

During my lunch break, she was out in the lobby, sitting on a chair and reading a book. That's what I wanted to do! Whore. I brought my book over, smiled at her even though she wasn't looking, and started reading. I saw her look over at my book to try and read the title. Mine was about independent film. Hers was a trashy gossip novel.

She looked like the most boring person in the universe. She never got phone calls, she wore conventional and super-boring office clothes, and her hair was just as quiet as she was. But in spite of all these undeniable flaws, she glanced at me as though she was better than me. I assume this was a form of her jealousy (no one is better than me).

For the rest of my temp assignment, I would go out and sit on the chair, reading my book. She read her book much faster, I can assume this is because she has nothing to do after work. I let her look at me uncomfortably as I sat in very unprofessional positions (i.e. taking my shoes off and sitting with my feet on the chair).

It got pretty bad when one day I walked into the bathroom as she was leaving a stall. MY stall. Bitch! I used it anyway, but I made sure to put a toilet cover on it.

Worshipped by the office

2006-07-03T14:17:00.000-04:00

The place I am temping for: everybody loves me. They want to marry me (well... in office terms. They want to hire me). But they can't, because the person I'm temping for is the boss' daughter. Oops! It's great to hear comments like these:

- "Christy never does that..."
- "Wow, none of the mail I got was misfiled!"
- "You already sent that mail?"
- "You answer every phone call?"
- "Wow, you keep the desk clean."
- "Don't get me wrong, I like her, but..."
- "That was fast!! It would have taken her weeks to do that... wait. She wouldn't have done it at all."
- "It's not a question of when she would do that. It's a question of if she could." (This is in reference to photocopying. Wow)

All of these comments have led me to one conclusion: in the work world, "over-achieving" simply means that you do the bare minimum.

When you do something extra, people get confused.

Dreadful phone call

2006-06-26T14:22:00.000-04:00

Right now, I'm temping for 3 weeks at a construction company. I'm the receptionist, and so far it seems like everyone loves me! (Why shouldn't they?!)

I answered with the standard greeting when the phone rang this morning: "Good morning, [company's name]"

"Hi, is this anycollegestudent?"

"Yes, it is..." (?)

"This is (I don't remember the name) from the temp agency."

All of a sudden, I got pretty nervous. This was the kind of unwarranted call I received last summer from a different agency, informing me that I was not invited back to work the following day, or to the temp agency ever.

"Oh, hi..."

Fortunately, they were just calling to check how long the assignment is for. Whew. I let them know about going out of town to see Dad for a week, and told them to call me first when they had any opportunities after that.

Life = still good. Stories about the company to come. When there are some.

Oh, other than the rope I'm using for the noose over that chair over there?

2006-06-21T14:52:00.000-04:00

In between rounds of "Nerts" (don't ask, it's just the best card game ever):

A: "Do you have any extra rope?"

Me: "Extra? From what... my rope factory in the garage?"

Shouldn't we start with whether I have any rope at all?

I throw money at all my mistakes

2006-06-15T17:57:00.000-04:00

I forgot my dad's birthday on June 6th. He told me that I had forgotten 2 days later. It was really weird; parents are supposed to be the emotionless fortresses and deal with their selfish children without a fuss. But my dad made a bit of a fuss. And I felt horrible because I love my dad to pieces.

So today I booked a flight to visit him in North Carolina as a surprise late birthday/fathers day present.

Now, should I pretend to forget Father's Day as well? Something tells me the answer is no...

Ridiculous film description

2006-06-12T17:06:00.000-04:00

Working at the film festival, we came across a short film whose description read:

"Funny. It's funny, this short film. And short. Did I mention short? Only three minutes fifteen without the credits. So, pop it in the DVD player, sit back, and take a little break. This film is an opportunity to find a few brief minutes in the day to relax, and remember why you got into this business in the first place. You deserve it. You work hard, and nobody really appreciates all the work you do. This brief DVD fits in perfectly with your hectic schedule. View it over your morning coffee. Screen it just before you head out to fight traffic on your way to that big lunch date. Watch it before you turn off the television at the foot of your bed for the night. It's edgy, quirky, funny, and surprising, all in under four minutes."

We watched it. Its only redeeming quality? It was short. At least they know how to market it.

SA

2006-06-10T05:32:00.000-04:00

Hi my name is _____ and I'm a sex-and-the-city-holic.

The show has taken over my life, ruined my interpersonal relationships, brought down my work performance, and affected my sleeping and eating patterns.

It is said that admitting addiction is the first step. In my two-step program, the second step is to finish the series.

Crosswalk CEOs

2006-06-06T12:18:00.000-04:00

I hate those people.

When you're walking around in the city, waiting for the light to change so you can cross the street at a busy intersection, and before the light changes, some man or woman in classy business attire carrying their to-go salad steps into the crosswalk, smug and superior because they are the first person in the intersection. Their face says

"I know that when the other light turns red, ours will turn green and the crosswalk will tell us we can go. I don't wait for the white neon man to light up, because I know how it works, and you don't. And I'm far too busy to wait for the neon man. I have meetings. And salads."

I hate those people. I like to imagine them crying alone at night because their fiance/e left them for a more laid-back person.

Playing with fire... wait no, lesbians

2006-06-04T03:52:00.000-04:00

I am really really REALLY tempted to reply to personal ads on craigslist for women seeking women. To see what they send me if I send a picture of me. Tempted. Soooo tempted.

All girls wear heels

2006-06-02T11:57:00.000-04:00

Some injuries creep up on you. They follow you around for a while and you grow accustomed to them. And they don't really do anything. And just when you're no longer aware of them, they pounce like wild felines.

Such was the case with my foot. One day it started aching every once in a while when I was walking. I noticed it the way you notice bird crap on the sidewalk. After a while, I forgot about it. Then on Wednesday, I parked my car in the city and walked the eleven blocks to my internship downtown, got off work and walked back to my other internship, which is basically made out of walking. I have to walk to the different theatres of the film festival before screenings start and hand things out to people in line. Walking. My foot decided it was time. Every step I took, the ball of my foot protested. It felt like something was out of line and I needed to pop it back in, like cracking a knuckle.

Instead, I walked around and winced. I walked on the outside of my foot. I walked on the heel of my foot. I limped. Finally, I went home. I looked at my foot, massaged it, felt around to see if a bone was missing, if there was an extra bone... I went downstairs to get some painkillers, walking on my heel. Now my heel hurt. I made it to the painkillers, but now I couldn't move. Feeling somewhat dramatic, I pumped out a few tears and stood in the kitchen on one foot. It was 2am. There was no one to call, I thought. And what good would that do?

The next day, I went to a podiatrist. He asked me to describe the pain - I was given multiple choice:

"Is the pain shooting, throbbing, sharp, dull, constant, localized...?"

I considered this question in silence long enough for him to seem confused. How do I know what each of these descriptions means? Are they in the medical textbooks? I haven't read them, so am I qualified to answer the question? If I answer incorrectly, will he misdiagnose? I finally responded.

"Well... it's in this one specific area, so I guess it's localized, but it can spread, so I guess it's not too localized. It feels like a shooting pain? But that might be more of a function of the time that it lasts than how it feels. When it happens it feels like it's throbbing, but I don't know if that's accurate since it only lasts for any length of time when I'm pushing off the foot. When I think of the word sharp I think of a knife (at this point I made a stabbing motion) so it's not like that, but it happens fast, and it's kinda sharp, so I guess it's a shooting pain."

As I said all this, the doctor circled and crossed things out on his doctorly form. I was hoping he would leave the form blank and just tell me what kind of pain I'm in. Instead, he told me I have a pinched nerve and gave me a weird little pad to put on my foot. He also asked me how often I wear heels. I told him I almost never wear heels. He seemed skeptical. I laughed nervously as if the notion of wearing heels was ridiculous, and made some jokes that he did not understand. He gave me a prescription for painkillers (not the fun kind) that make me feel nauseous and sent me on my way.

Get paid to inhale

2006-05-24T02:40:00.000-04:00

How to get a job smelling rubber cement:

1. Apply for an internship at Indieflix

2. Be assigned the "box maker"

3. Fold boxes

4. Glue paper designs onto said boxes with rubber cement

Looks like I'm livin the good life.

Poor college student goes bankrupt due to mother

2006-05-22T18:00:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, I went to my mom's new vacation house on a nearby island. We went with my aunt and two cousins. The first night we all drank some cocktails (or if you're my mom, a whole bottle of champagne) and played Upwords.

The next day, we went out to lunch. As we were sitting down, my mom says

"So how about you pay for lunch today?"

Me: "Huh? Are you serious?"

Mom: "Yeah. I'm paying for dinner. You should pay for lunch. What's the problem?"

Everyone at the table turns to me.

Me: "I don't have enough money for that... I don't have a paying job right now. I'm not making any money. Why would you ask me to pay?" In front of my family, too...

Mom: "I'm not asking you to pay for everyone's lunch, just yours and mine."

Me: "... No?"

A few moments later, everyone resumes their conversations. I remain quiet for most of the meal. When the check comes, I pretend not to notice until my aunt pulls out her credit card and to prevent her from paying for the whole thing, my mom gets hers out too (she had claimed that she forgot to bring it).

Later that night, she came over and told me that she was sorry for embarrassing me in front of my family. She did not, however, explain why she had asked me to pay or what the policy should be going forward.

So today, I realized how uncomfortable the rest of the summer might be when we went out to lunch and the check came.

Summer begins..

2006-05-17T02:34:00.000-04:00

Back home!!! The weather is so nice here it's too nice. It's way too hot, especially in the car. But it's okay because I have a heart of ice.

I started an internship on Monday at a film festival. Today I found out that it's the most boring job in the world, ever. There are 2 buildings kitty corner across an intersection, and all day I was told to go to the other building to drop things off, or to use a computer, to check that files were accurate... The worst part is that I'm not getting paid for it. Wow.

So I ran into my old boss at imdb and she said she would try to hook me up. So then I got an email from indieflix, who said they wanted me to go to screenings, interview people after screenings, and attend parties. Um, hello yes??? Thanks.

And I have another interview tomorrow.

If I back out of film, I can always try for executive assistant. They make like $60,000 a year.

End of year!!

2006-05-12T10:23:00.000-04:00

WTF?

I just finished my work for this year. Yessss. A summary:

- 2 all-nighters in a row
- Procrastinating methods as pathetic as "Packing" and "checking craigslist again"
- Fight with roommate about adderall. It doesn't matter who said what; I'm just right.
- Making a list of movies and TV shows to watch over the summer (I'm getting Netflix, bitches!)
- Fantasizing about film school

So my mom sold my car without telling me. I think for Mother's Day, I'll be getting her gloves filled with shards of glass. Any tips what kind of gloves?

Shoutout to inanimate objects!

2006-05-11T01:04:00.000-04:00

1 paper left.

I'd like to dedicate it to No Doz.
Couldn't do it without ya!

The rest of my work this year, I'd like to dedicate to Diet Coke and Blogger (for distracting me). Thanks guys. It's been quite a year.

Stairs are cheaper

2006-05-10T17:27:00.000-04:00

A friend: "I’m not on birth control… but I believe in stairs"

How to mess up instant coffee

2006-05-08T16:23:00.000-04:00

Mistake #1: I wanted to make instant coffee

Mistake #2: While the water was boiling I put the crystals into the mug, which was damp

Mistake #3: I then added the powdered creamer in advance which molded into a big blob that did not dissolve when I poured the boiling water over it.

The end result looked like clogged toilet water.

Some people have trust funds. I'm not 'some people'

2006-05-07T03:01:00.000-04:00

I got a pretty good indication for how well-off many of my classmates are when at the last Senate meeting of the year, we went around and told everyone what we were doing for the summer and the answers were:

- Going on a cruise, seeing the Bahamas, road trip
- Didn't get the internships I wanted, so instead I'm backpacking through Europe
- The Hamptons, "I guess"

Reassuringly, none of the seniors have employment of any kind lined up. Their answers about the future tended on the side of:

- Moving in with my boyfriend
- Plan to rob financial institutions if I can't find a job at one
- *face of shame*

See all that I have to look forward to? How motivating.

Reasons to stay in school

2006-05-05T08:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, not only did my film history teacher say "Motherfucker", but he showed us a film with porn and sadomasochism in it. Just as the year ends, it starts getting good.

A friend who was abroad in Japan all year is visiting this week. Yay! Arigato. I hope he learned how to make sushi.

School is almost over

2006-05-04T21:23:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night I pulled an almost all-nighter in the editing room while working on my film. Tip: Do not line up 3 plastic rolly chairs to use as a bed.

I'm working on making people steal things (a computer) for me to use over the summer so I can finish my film.

Complaint: I want donuts. Now.

What work?

2006-04-23T22:14:00.000-04:00

Ways to procrastinate:

1. Go to a friend's house and drink a forty
2. Go to a friend's house and smoke a bowl
3. Spend half the night giving cigarettes away because you're not a smoker but your aquaintances are
4. Sleep in
5. Catch up on other peoples' blogs.
6. Try to find new blogs to read. (This is actually very time-consuming because most peoples' blogs suck ass)
7. Watch the Japanese thriller you didn't know was a Japanese thriller when you checked it out from the school library
8. Do laundry (!)
9. Shop online
10. Find radio stations that stream online
11. Talk to anyone on campus who will carry a conversation with you
12. Write a blog entry...

Damn. Maybe now I have to get to work?

... Nah

Housemates: the long term, the short term

2006-04-18T21:36:00.000-04:00

Tonight I picked my housing for next year. I got a single (finally!) in an 8 person house, and I know 2 other people in the house. Exhibit A: current roommate, who will live down the hall from me. Exhibit B: friend from Senate, who can be kind of boring but pretty nice.

I found out that my (current) housemate slept with a guy that is totally hot and I am loving the gossip. We plan to have a fun weekend with some sort of alcohol and trendy clothing involved. Maybe trendy alcohol, too.

I got Sex and the City season 3 on Friday, and finished it last night. How's that for speedy? I was even trying to hold back. Clearly that worked great.

Take the bad with the good

2006-04-16T11:13:00.000-04:00

Bad count:
1. Did not get my housing choice
2. Did not get an internship I applied for
3. Had to wipe my computer and reinstall Windows
3b. Had problems with my "good as new" computer including no sound, strange-looking graphics, and frustrating new antivirus software

Good count:
1. Had a dream that I got my housing choice after all
2. Have 2 more internships I have not heard back from yet (more opportunities for rejection = always a good thing)
3. In the middle of a film history screening of the most boring movie EVER (Jean Luc Godard's Tout Va Bien), my friend left out of disgust for the French. Shortly after she left, a photo of a man's penis being touched by a woman's hand graced the screen. For approximately 2 minutes, this image remained on the screen. This was perhaps the best part of my day. The French may not be so bad after all.

Ape teacher, you shall be smoten. Smited?

2006-04-14T18:20:00.000-04:00

Let me introduce us all to a man that I'm going to call Ape Teacher. Why? Well, he really does look like an ape. And also, it's a psychology class about biosociology and evolution, etc... Thirdly, I have doubts that he is fully human.

I hate his class with a passion. He never leads the class, but has students lead the class. The students in the class are opinionated assholes, and they don't listen to anybody until someone agrees with them. And after meeting with him, I feel like I understand what's going on even less than I did before.

When I revealed my frustrations about my classmates, Ape Teacher told me that he had noticed that I was frustrated and that he hoped I wouldn't be discouraged from participating in future class discussions. I felt triumphant; Ape Teacher may have started to understand that I am correct and everyone else in the class is an idiot of immense proportions.

Then the other day, Apey emailed me saying:

"I continued to think last week that you were a little bit less dispassionate than you could be when you spoke. I feel a little bad saying this because in general I think passion is a good thing, but I do know that various students in our class have felt pressure not to speak their minds because of ways that various other students have reacted, so I'm trying to tone down everyone's reactions, so as to allow everyone (you included) to feel comfortable expressing themselves verbally. So tomorrow (and from here on out), just try, if you would, to be aware of your nonverbal reactions (for example, various things that I've seen from various students include exasperated sighs, eye-rolling, frowns, etc)."

Apey is asking me to stop having opinions, stop being frustrated when people interrupt me, and stop trying to defend myself when people put down my opinions. The only time that I have nonverbal reactions of sighing, eye-rolling, or frowning is when people don't listen to me.

Before leading today's class discussion, my partner and I spent about two hours detailing what a shame it is that people like those in our class exist. As the only sane people in the class, we are both shocked and apalled that Apey is actually being paid to complain to students and be such a poor moderator of the classroom.

You came to the right place, pt 2

2006-04-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

I had a great time at the library this morning. Right as a huge college tour came in, one of my coworkers made fun of me for wearing my work name tag, and for some reason I found this highly amusing and so I started laughing hysterically. I then found it funny that I was laughing about a comment as stupid as the one he had just made, and continued to laugh. I convinced myself that my laughter was only contributing to a good image of the school. Obviously the students here are all happy, laughing, and perky - even at 8:30am!

People found my blog this week by searching for things such as "hot sexy college student" (thank you!), "throating beer bottle" (yes, I'm still proud of that), "girl gets raped by a white student" (sorry, but she was asking for it wearing that short short skirt), and "student + eat + gross" (i'm trying to cut down, okay? I'm sorry).

Overall, I'm pretty satisfied.

I didn't do it, it was the dress!

2006-04-09T11:37:00.000-04:00

So... I went to the Spring Formal. It was very cold outside. I considered not going, but realized that it wasn't a possibility to try that because I had asked my mom to ship me the dress I was going to wear, all the way from the west coast. So imagine how great that would make her feel: "How was the dance?" "Oh, I didn't go. It was a little cold outside."

So I went, and I danced the night away in my west coast dress. You know all those people who can be at a dance or a party and just run from one group of people to the next and dance with anyone they want, and you can't dance with them for more than one song because they have places to be, dammit? Well I fantasized about being one of those people, until I realized that I wasn't drunk and didn't know enough people in the room to try that out. At one point all the people I was with went outside and I had no idea what to do other than go sit down.

After the dance, we went to an "after party". Sounds amazing, right? Well when we got there, what was happening but - lo and behold - more dancing.

This morning I wake up not with a hangover in the regular sense, but a shoe hangover. I had forgotten how much women are willing to do for a cute outfit.

Teachers: things not to say

2006-04-06T22:24:00.000-04:00

I was recently given my dad's palm pilot. It's amazing. I put my entire schedule in it, which is helpful when you're making a film. And I put a to-do list in, and peoples' phone numbers... So complete is my trust in my palm pilot, that this morning I was very confused when my phone rang. Who could it be? I picked up and, lo and behold, I had missed a meeting with my favorite teacher. That's right. And of course, my palm pilot is not to blame. It looks at me disapprovingly, shaking its little screen and saying "Why didn't you tell me?" Sigh.

Today I went to a theatre show. 3 short plays. I sat next to a theatre teacher and chatted him up (no, not for sex, but because he's in the theatre department and teaches an acting for film class. And since I make films... well... it's obvious why I would chat him up). Then on my way back to my seat during intermission, feeling proud of my networking skills, I heard someone say my name. I turned to look, and there was my advisor!

Having felt so confident in my verbal skills only a few minutes ago, I was stunned to find that nothing came to my mind, or my mouth. So, to avoid one of those awkward silent moments with head-nodding and "so..."s, I said:

"What are you doing here? Isn't it your bedtime or something?"

when that (surprisingly) did not turn into a conversation, I went with

"It's just so weird to see you outside of your office."

Smoooooth. This for the woman I asked to write me two recommendations.

2006-04-04T16:50:00.000-04:00

Update: boy who does too many drugs cannot remember what happened on Saturday night. I find this amusing.

I watched season 2 of Sex and the City, for the second time. I must have a bad memory because I didn't really remember any of it. It only took me 3 days to watch. I'm impressed with myself. I should also buy another season (or another TV show) so I won't be doomed to watch it again. Donations are welcome.

Saturday night babysitting

2006-04-03T01:25:00.000-04:00

Well, since I felt so down and out on my Friday night, on Saturday I decided to quit moping and be a man. But since there were no strap-on penises or balls lying about, I had to go to plan B: going out and seeing friends. Also, not that I'm an alcoholic or anything, but I kind of missed getting a little tipsy and saying silly things (it's been a while).

So I put on my new K Swiss shoes (that's right) and a lovely sweater, some makeup and jewelry, and headed over to the kid's room where I threw up on a bed. I walked in to greet boy whose bed I threw up on, boy who does too many drugs, and 3 other people not worth naming. Also, a bottle of tequila, a bottle of rum, a bottle of white wine, and some diet cokes. Not bad. I also got to crash the game of Kings.

However, while I could have just downed some alcohol, I felt that this would violate the drinking game: the point is only to drink when you're supposed to. And I was doing too damn good and no one was trying to make me drink more. So by the end of the game, everyone except me was wasted (roommate of boy whose bed I threw up in started puking, girl 1 took girl 2 home so she could throw up). Obviously the only missing part was being hit on by drunk people. Not to worry, it happened.

On my way out, I was introduced to a guy named Steve. He seemed nice and called me pretty, which is cool and all but kind of weird since I didn't know him and he doesn't go to my school. Then later on I heard him introduce himself as Matt to other people. Apparently, he gave me his 'fake' name. Imagine trying to get his phone number, right?

Luckily, there were also several comments from boy who does too many drugs about me having a boyfriend, followed by profuse apologies. Y'know, to make my night fun. Then I had to escort too many drugs boy back to his room where he proceeded to throw up out his window and several other people and I had to bring him water.

I felt a little bit like a babysitter for people whose idea of a good time is to force people to drink as much as possible. Next time I'll be sure to violate the drinking game rules - if only to help me imagine that the boring people are actually fun.

You came to the right place

2006-04-01T19:29:00.000-05:00

At first I thought it would be a bad idea to post any of the strange ways that people find my blog. But then I realized... sometimes it's funny enough to be worth it. And since my teachers aren't funny this semester, here goes..

People ran into my blog this week by searching for:

i didn't get into any college (1st page)
I want to go back to college, but I don't have any money (1st page)
Teacher being fucked by her student (1st page)
Drunk college blog (1st page)
Fresh fucked blog (4th page)

Not that I'm lucky in love...

2006-04-01T17:50:00.000-05:00

Back in middle school, I went to international school in Europe. International school is filled with a bunch of spoiled rich kids. (It cost over $100 a day just to go there. Bus service was like $10,000 a year.) I was only there because my parents work for the government, so we got school for free (thanks for paying your taxes!).

So these spoiled rich kids didn't like me very much. Not only was I smart (aka a nerd), but I didn't shop at the GAP. So as soon as I made a best friend, that very same best friend dumped me shortly thereafter. For example, one day I walked up to my best friend Taylor and said "Hey" to which she didn't respond (I have no idea why). That's right. She never talked to me again. This happened pretty much every year I was there, and when I finally made a real friend, I moved back to the U.S. Anyway, the point is, while some have been unlucky in love, I have been unlucky in friends.

What's most encouraging is that for my film, I spent 6 hours (my Friday night) helping some of the subjects in my film put on an event. I had fun and all, but when I came home I realized I'm not actually one of their friends. So that's how I spent my Friday night. And also why my hands still smell like garlic.

I got off with a warning... asshole

2006-03-31T10:22:00.000-05:00

On my first shift at my sweet, loving, paying job since returning from break, I walked in and...

Boss: "You missed a shift."

Me: "What?! No..."

Boss: "Yes, you missed a shift."

Me: "Okay, what one?"

Boss: "The Sunday after spring break"

Me: "Sunday was a PART of spring break."

Boss: "I sent an email."

Me: "Maybe I didn't get it."

Boss: "Geoffrey had to cover your shift." (During my shift, Geoffrey is always there, the whole time, simply sitting in the back. To do my shift, all he had to do was move to the computer at the appropriate desk)

Me: "Well during my shift I was at the AIRPORT. Not on campus. Spring. Break."

Boss: "Consider this your warning."

How to deal with compliments

2006-03-28T21:03:00.000-05:00

After conducting my first interview for my first documentary, I called roommate to come help me move equipment.

There was a huge camera case (size: large suitcase), a huge metal tripod (size: huge), and a box with lighting equipment in it (not that big but heavy and deceptive because it has a strap to put around your shoulder, but the clip always breaks so you can't carry it around your shoulder anyway).

Since I would have been embarrassed to just wait outside the interviewee (a teacher)'s office right after we had said "see ya around", I made to drag the equipment over to a place with a bunch of tables outside - about 50 feet away. But I didn't have 3 arms, and I didn't want to drop anything at a table and then leave it for any thieves while I doubled back. So I tried to balance the light box on top of the camera case while holding a tripod in my other arm, rolling the case over cobblestones.

As I began to do this, a worker at the school (post office or something?) who I had never seen before looked over at me. "Can I help you?"

"Um, no thanks, I think I'm good" I said (because I'm obviously not very smart, but also because I didn't know him).

"You are beautiful."

(awkward pause) "uh... thanks. You are beautiful too." As soon as I said that I wondered if that was supposed to be an indication of my willingness to go to bed with him. I avoided eye contact.

After a few more awkward moments, the man left me alone and I wheeled my case about 10 feet before the light box fell off and almost crashed to the ground. Obviously I did need some help. But... oh well. At least I was no longer being complimented.

So fresh and so clean clean

2006-03-17T15:19:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay. No I didn't get raped and conceive a child and obsess over what to do and go to a sketchy abortion clinic and excise the alien in my uterus but die slowly from an infection as a result of the rusty scissors they used to open me up with and the shoelaces they stitched me up with.

No, I'm actually all right.

Sorry.

BUT I did take my friends to the city and go to a comedy club and walk around and explore museums and lose all pleasurable sensation in my feet, allowing the painful sensations to grow in strength and ability, much like the Daredevil's other senses improved to compensate for his blindness.

And yes, I may have had too much caffeine.

I'm at my dad's place. And so far, I've had to teach him how to unclog drains and find a toolbox. I've also had to clean my brother's pubes from the bathroom sink and as a result, ended up cleaning the whole bathroom. It was... gross. And I had to pretend not to see them. I think women only ended up doing all the cleaning because they couldn't stand living in disgusting conditions - and men are infuriating for not caring about it, but on the other hand, smart enough to be lazy enough to get the women to do it for them.

You know what's sexy? Men who clean. Men who know how to clean. And can do it better than me. That is what gets me going. In case you were wondering.

Mmm.

It isn't free, gentlemen

2006-03-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

So every year the school does an auction to raise money for the student scholarship fund. Student Senate organizes it, and since I'm a Senator I was at the auction. Our theme: The Price is Right. My job: Vana girl.

My skills of showing off semi-interesting objects are... well... incomparable. First of all, most of the items up for auction were not show-able. A weekend getaway at a cottage? A 2-week internship? Dinner with an alumn? When I was "vana"-ing these items, I invariably just walked up to the center of the stage and smiled. Sometimes I did the hands thing, showcasing nothing but the air beside me. When it was a dinner, I usually mimed eating. I'm not sure why - no one told me to.

Fortunately, there were several giant stuffed animals that were up for auction. A horse, a zebra, a giraffe, a reindeer, and a bunny. The night before the auction, we had found them and played some games with them. There was a war between the horse and the zebra, there was the reindeer attacking the director of student activities, and there was a forest of stuffed animals that we designed. Many pictures.

To my delight, I was given the horse to vana. My vana-ing skills here far surpassed the skills of the others (of which there were 5), as I proceeded to ride the horsey. That's right. Wearing a $150 black dress and suede stiletto boots, I vana-ed a stuffed horse by riding it. If I had more time, I also would have fed it invisible carrots and brushed its mane. But the now turned-on audience had bought the horse. For $170.

That's the price of what's between my legs.

White privilege

2006-03-02T00:32:00.000-05:00

There is a space on campus that is mainly for students who have identified themselves as students of color, or who are in identity groups on campus. The space has "open" hours when everyone can go in, but this is only when the managers are there. The door is almost always closed but if you are a person of color, you can get in with your I.D. card. If you are me (white), you have to knock and usually someone will be there and let you in.

Today, I was meeting someone in the space for my documentary (which is about racial identity) and so I knocked. The people inside jokingly yelled, "How do you identify?" several times in varying wording while they walked to the door. I sort of managed an "um....."

When the girl opened the door and saw that I was actually a white student knocking to be let in, she looked embarrassed and said "oh.." As I entered the room, the other people in the room looked at me, realized the irony, and we all started cracking up.

College is dangerous

2006-02-26T01:36:00.000-05:00

Reasons I might have a stomach ache right now:

1. Breakfast - leftover pasta
2. Lunch - 6 oatmeal cookies
3. Dinner - leftover pasta, 2 pieces of pizza on a full stomach
4. Napping directly after said full stomach
5. Three Diet Cokes
6. No water
7. Downing 7 pills (vitamins, I promise) all at once
8. Bad posture throughout the entire day

My dad is coming to visit me tomorrow! This means the following:
- Spending time with his girlfriend
- Getting free meals
- Being taken to the movies (again, no paying)
- Getting driven everywhere
- Having the deciding power (where we eat, what movie we watch... everything)
- A ride to the grocery store and back

Partying gets you places

2006-02-22T00:45:00.000-05:00

Oh, I don't think the bottle deep-throating was the best idea. Because now I'm sick.

I hope I didn't deep-throat a bottle used by the cast member who had mono.

Yeah... I think ahead.

Cast party? Hmm...

2006-02-19T13:20:00.000-05:00

All right. The play I stage managed (Closer) ended yesterday. It's over. I don't know if I can handle having 3, 4, 5 extra hours to myself every day but I might manage. Y'know, since I got another stage manager job that starts on Tuesday. GOOD IDEA, right?

So the play was good. The cast party... I couldn't tell you. We sat and watched the movie, which was a drinking game. Every time a line was different from the play, every time a swear word was used, every time there was a sexual innuendo, a scene change, or Clive Owen being hot (which apparently is all the time?) we all had to take a swig of whatever we were drinking. I stopped participating during the 3rd scene. I was already drunk and the movie seemed to be getting progressively worse. I hope it was because of my drunkenness, because I had liked the movie before.

You know how when people are drunk, they can be a sad drunk, a happy drunk, a violent drunk, etc? Well... last night I was a complainy drunk. I think I told about 4 people (who probably didn't care) the story of my last post. The following things also happened last night:

- Interpretive dancing to Damien Rice
- Shaving someone's beard off after having a few drinks
- Being made fun of for hearting so many gay boys at my school
- A bout of hiccups that lasted, oh, about 20 minutes
- A game of suck and blow (my first!!) There was a lot of cheating and not nearly enough kissing
- I apparently had a 4 minute conversation with Boyfriend on the phone after I had gone to sleep but I have no idea what about. The only thing I remember was him saying he couldn't hear me and me looking down to see that the phone had fallen away from my mouth.

Um... I also forgot until just now... Me and gorgeous gay boy had a competition to see who could deep throat the most (and apparently that means give better head). We started with someone's hand, and then graduated to beer bottles, which are not shaped like penises and don't work very well. In case you were wondering. Anyway we came out tied, which is encouraging because in the part of his life that I've made up for my own amusement, he's pretty fantastic at giving blowjobs.

Excuse me? Do you know who I am? I'm kind of a big deal

2006-02-16T01:33:00.000-05:00

So, at one point when I was in high school, I thought I wanted to be an actress. I quit violin and took theatre classes. Then, somewhere down the line I lost interest. Not that I didn't like acting or theatre, but more the prospect of chasing a paycheck for the rest of my life and obsessing over things like my weight and my worth... I'll obsess over those things without getting paid, thank you very much.

Anyway this year I live with a bunch of theatre girls, and they're sweet and all... but they're also fucked in the head. This one girl, named el bitch, (L for short) wrote a play that is going to be read. This means that it will have a director and actors, but they'll have their scripts in front of them and do minimal blocking. Readings can be cool and all, but it's not like her play is actually being performed. Anyway apparently now she's the best EVER and feels like she should be able to make other people unhappy.

So I stumble into a conversation where she is trying to convince D-dawg (the scone loser from before) to audition for a part in her play that's "perfect for you!!!". D-dawg, who is mainly a literature and art history buff and spends her free time knitting, is not interested and refuses.

I ask L why D would be perfect for the part, and she says "Well it's just like D! It's a girl who's really really smart and wants to be popular, and is basically willing to do anything to become popular."

"I could play that," I say, not that I would want to.

Without even considering, L says "No... no you couldn't."

"What?! Why the hell not?"

"Well, you're not at all like that."

"And D is? D doesn't want to be popular and is certainly not willing to do anything to become popular. She won't even leave her room!"

"Well... the main thing is that the character is just really smart."

*blink*

I don't think I said anything out loud about that comment, except to my roommate later, but excuse me? L hasn't even seen me act so she has no reason to think that I couldn't do it, and she also just called me STUPID.

There's something called politeness. And I'm sorry if your whore mother didn't teach you about it, but you should really get some.

How did you get into college?

2006-02-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

In my filmmaking class, the teacher started showing us the first 20 minutes of films so we could discuss technique and all that. It's a good idea. It's a bad class.

There are a few new students in the class (5 or so) and two of them are particularly irritating. As in, I want to inflict pain on them and I actually sincerely hope that their films turn out to be good wastebasket stuffers. Why would I be so incredibly malicious in my hopes for them?

Well, student 1 says things like this: "I found real monkeys to film"
Teacher: "Wait, what? Real ones? Where did you find them?"
Student 1: "They were on campus. The president has a stash of monkeys in her backyard, right outside the visual arts building."
Teacher: "What?"
Student 1: "Seriously. It's perfect."
Whole class: "Shut the hell up."

And the second student is a complete imbecile. Today we were showed the beginning of a documentary, "Best Boy" about a family with a mentally disabled member. When we were discussing the film, student 2 says "So this guy is actually mentally retarded?"
Teacher: "yes.."
Student 2: "And his cousing just happened to be a brilliant filmmaker?" (meaning: "That's just too convenient. Something's fishy here")
The world: "Well yes."

If the cousin wasn't a filmmaker, the movie never would have been made. Of course someone in the family "happened to be" a filmmaker. Idiot. IDIOT.

These are just examples from ONE class. Imagine the pain I am put through every time I see their mouths open. It's like watching really bad acting or really awful comedians. Or being near stupid people... Oh wait, that's exactly what it is.

Scone champion

2006-02-05T13:51:00.000-05:00

So here's the situation. One of my housemates, D-dawg, has a number of qualities. She's really quite a character. One of her qualities is "I'm always right." And she usually is. And she tells you when you're not right. So it's always nervewracking to be in the kitchen. Now that I'm off the meal plan, I have to figure out how every little thing is supposed to be done. Not that I was clueless before, but little things like how hot to have the pan when you're cooking chicken or vegetables.

D-dawg always makes really good food. She makes a lot of Italian food, and Mexican food... she just makes a lot of food. And she makes it all homemade; her pasta sauce, her marinades. So I always feel like a child when I stroll into the kitchen with my jar of alfredo sauce and bottle of marinade, my packages of frozen vegetables, etc. And naturally, while it is sometimes pretty damn annoying when she looks over my shoulder and says "What are you making? Why are you doing it that way?", I also look up to her because - like I said - she knows what she's doing.

So after she made scones one time, I decided "Hey, baked goods are fun!" and when I went to the store I got blueberry & sour cream scones, from the England section of course. (Only England makes scones). And yesterday, I was really really really bored, so I decided it was scone time. In spite of my fear of our malfunctioning oven (you have to guess the temperature. I'm not kidding), I bravely mixed the ingredients and scooped my scones onto the cookie sheet. D-dawg was there for moral support and to knit, and so there were of course occasional comments. My favorite was "You're so funny." When asked to elaborate, she said that she meant I was funny because I always took the longest way to do everything and paid too much attention to things that didn't matter. See how skilled she is at taking potential compliments and making them uncompliments?

Anyway. All that to say... My scones were PERFECT. They were so yummy and delicious. And. They were better than HERS. BOOYA D-DAWG!!!

I tip my hat to all people who venture to make baked goods this week.

Time for entertainment

2006-02-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

I have bad news and I have good news. The bad news is that none of my teachers are even remotely funny this semester.

The good news is that I'm pretty much amused by how un-funny they are. Here are the few and far between quotes I have gathered thus far:

Film History
- Teacher: "We look at the face first; we don't look at the foot or the arm or the thigh... we might look at them later..."
- Student: "You still want to watch it but you want to turn it off because you're like 'OK I get the eagle now!'"
- Teacher: "I think it's important to note that he didn't cast Cary Grant."
- Student: "There are different types of men; the handsome sleazy man, the old..." (struggles)
Teacher: "sleazy man."

Filmmaking
- Teacher: "Do you know what you have to do for next week?"
Student: "um... I think so?"
Teacher: "You're going to be so fun to fuck with for the rest of the semester."
- Teacher: "Someone before the semester is gonna fuck me [over]... So I'm going to find the best Crisco I can, and bend over."

Psychology
- Teacher: "What genes do do... and that's not a reference to doo-doo."
One person laughs.
Teacher: (disappointed) "I thought people were supposed to like scatological humor."

The toilet isn't working means "I took a huge dump"

2006-01-30T22:41:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking: I talk about myself too much on this blog. It's true. So this post will be dedicated to my roommate, who I will refer to as A-hole for the remainder of the entry.

Last Friday, I became aware of the fact that the toilet closest to my room was clogged. We women use a code phrase: "The toilet doesn't work." That's right, we don't tell the truth and just say "There is a big ball of POOP in the toilet and some toilet paper and piss too", we pretend that no one crapped in the first place and there is simply 'something' wrong with the bathroom.

So I wasn't shocked when I forgot that the toilet wasn't "working" and made for the bathroom only to find a bunch of poo in the toilet. Not a little bit of poo, either; I promise you it was a bunch. The only reason this is important is because it was a Friday night. Maintenance had been called, but had not come to "fix" the toilet, which meant that the toilet would remain clogged all weekend. In my mind it was rather ridiculous that maintenance had to be called just because someone took a dump and it didn't flush the first time, seeing as how we have a plunger. But it wasn't my feces, so I wasn't too keen on problem solving.

Now, I suppose this is where the quantity of poo becomes important, because this doesn't usually happen. But over the weekend, the smell of this shit became so awful that the entire hall smelled like ass vomit. And there are three bedroom doors right next to the bathroom. You could even smell it in the kitchen. While preparing rapidly unappetizing food. You see my point.

Why does this have to do with my roommate? Because I'm 99% sure she was the shitter. My reason for suspecting this is that this (Monday) morning, I woke up as she was about to go take a shower. She made a comment about not wanting to shower there because of the smell, and I said

"It's ridiculous that people think they need to call maintenance just because the toilet is clogged. We have a plunger." It makes even more sense to use a plunger because we're girls - calling maintenance and leaving pungent crap in a toilet for three days means you're admitting that you have bodily functions that involve your asshole.

Her response was
"I've never had to use a plunger before. The problem is the pipes here; they just don't flush everything. It's the pipes."

Not only does this incriminate her (she did not deny being the pooper as any female would have done) but it also makes her seem like a spoiled retard.

My advice to her: 1) Figure out how to use a plunger. 2) Don't blame pipes when you take a dump that doesn't fit. 3) Don't make the rest of us suffer immensely while you go home for the weekend to a poo-free environment.

Blogger search, you foil me once again

2006-01-29T11:10:00.000-05:00

If you search for rape on Blogger, you get 170,513 hits.

If you search for Panda rape, you only get 343 hits. What is this world coming to when human rape* is more newsworthy than panda rape? The noble panda is our friend - our ally, really. They're like our army reserve, ready for battle and chewing on bamboo until it happens. That's not because they're hungry. That's to bulk up.

And if you search for College Student, my blog name does not appear under "Top Blogs matching 'college student'" but a blog that was last updated on September 12 does. This is not fairness. I demand... well, ask for? fairness. Or maybe just apples, since fairness is probably not coming any time soon.

Here's what informed people are saying about rape:
"i think rape sucks, and if a girl got raped....well i don't know what she should do in that situation. however, if it was because she got drunk one night and forgot that she was sleeping around conentually, why should somebody else have to suffer for the fact that she couldn't keep her legs closed."

Mmm, wonderful!

*"male rape" only returned 166 hits. Hurrah, pandas!

Who's your daddy?

2006-01-25T16:17:00.000-05:00

Last night, for my friend's birthday I went to an off-campus "party." I'm confused though, because it did seem like a party but it also seemed like a giant relocation of the friends I see anyway, to an apartment of someone I also know.

Nonetheless, I was busy talking to a non-friend (but of course I knew him; what crazy parties involve new people?!) about the men's a cappella group on campus. I suggested a song ("What's your name? Who's your daddy? ..Is he rich like meeee?") and then suggested the next obvious thing: he should have anal sex with another member of the group.

Now, I'm known to get myself stuck between conversational rocks and hard places, but that was a pretty big leap. The exciting part was that my non-friend agreed that he should sex up another singer from his tribe. Wow! Lucky me! Because I, along with the other girls in my house, believe that two gorgeous boys kissing and doing dirty things to each other is amazing and should be encouraged. I then told non-friend that I would of course be there with a camera to document the event. He agreed.

Now, remember the part about me getting into trouble in conversations?

That only happened when I suggested that I join them. Yes, that's right. My (straight!) non-friend was not ok with adding breasts and a vagina to the mix.

And that's the kind of party I was at last night.

Freshman girls upstairs will be punished

2006-01-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

On a Sunday night, merely 3 minutes from midnight, the fuckers in the room above mine are playing jazz music unnecessarily loudly. I don't even know who lives above me. My solution is to be angry with the entire second floor. All twenty or so freshmen. I'm going to put the heads of dead horses in their beds while they sleep.

I'm not sure where I will find that many horses, how I could do that without whimpering and waking up the freshmen, but... I will.

It doesn't help that they are giggling. I hate it when girls giggle. Some people think it's cute, and my response to them is that it isn't. It's only cute when you're more than 50 feet from the person who is giggling or if you're drunk. Otherwise it makes me feel like throwing up my dinner on them and telling them that the effect their giggles has on my ears is similar to the effect my vomit has on their nose. Except that my dinner was good so it probably smells way better than their giggles sound.

Not only that, but there is a BOY voice. And that angers me because those girls don't deserve attention from the male sex. They really just don't deserve attention. (Note, I still don't know who they are.)

Searching for porn

2006-01-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

So, the government is trying to access Google's search archives. Why? So they can make a case for the Online Child Protection Act. So our children don't see porn.

The last time I checked, almost every internet software provider offers search protection and that shit for the exact same reason. And also, the last time I checked, I didn't think the government should be telling people how to raise their children.

Why would a 5-year old be searching for something that would turn up pornography? If they are, maybe that's what they're looking for. Why should we stop them? They're going to find out someday. My parents still have a restriction on TV shows with a PG-13 rating. I started watching R-rated movies when I was about 3 years old. I'm not a pervert and I'm not trying to blow anything up. Seeing naked people doesn't ruin anyone's life.

The only reason that porn sites or graphic pictures would disturb children is because we taught them to avoid these images and be disturbed by them. Then, one day when they're "grown up," it's okay for them to think about nudity and sex.

Am I off base here?

...my kids are going to be so fucked up.

It's my birthday!

2006-01-21T12:30:00.000-05:00

Okay so yesterday was my birthday! I got pots and pans in the mail and Boyfriend sent me roses. I also got all dolled up (black dress) and went to a party sporting a bottle of champagne. As soon as I got there, security came but I was herded into a bathroom to hide. And of course as soon as I got in the bathroom I said "HEY It's my birthday!" and a bunch of people I knew and didn't know got excited (a good indication that they were drunk).

On the way out of the bathroom I told someone else it was my birthday and she started babbling about how beautiful I was and how she wished she was me. Which is funny because she is gorgeous.

I also tried to force someone to want me to make out with another girl. I didn't actually want to make out with the girl, I just wanted them to want me to. How does that work?

Me: Wouldn't it be hot if me and your girlfriend made out?
Him: Um...
Me: Wouldn't it?!
Him: Sure!
Me: I know! *walks away*

Unfortunately I didn't do anything too embarrassing. Sorry, I'll work on that.

Food porn

2006-01-20T01:18:00.000-05:00

So, I decided after a day of aggravating food experiences at my school's dining establishments that I would quit the meal plan. This is a big step. Bigger than, say, Neil Armstrong's. (Well, it's a bigger step for me than his step was for me). Just saying.

Already I've gone to the store twice. The store is about a 30 minute walk each way. It's good exercise. It's also good motivation to exercise - if I don't go walking for an hour, I can't eat. And I love food.

Also, I watched a great HBO special with Katie Morgan, the porn star. She was completely naked and there were sooo many shots of vaginas, but no penis. It's totally unfair. Men should fight for their rights to put their glorious penises on camera. It's just cruel to deny them this simple joy.

Curse of the Black Pearl: Meet curse of the wet toilet

2006-01-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

I found out what the problem is. Everyone who gets paid to clean toilets just does not wipe off the wet toilet seat when they're done cleaning it. I'm not sure why this is - I always wipe the toilet seat with a paper towel or something to dry it off when I'm done. Other people? No. They must entertain the belief that nobody uses freshly cleaned bathrooms for at least 20 minutes after they have been cleaned. They are wrong.

The bathroom was being cleaned, and I asked the lady cleaning it if I could slip in really fast while she was out. She said she was almost done and I could use it afterwards. So as soon as she finished, I went into the spotless bathroom and sat my toosh down on - what - another wet toilet seat. Now, this may be an indication of one of the following:

1) I have been cursed
2) I will be forced to avoid clean bathrooms in search of dirty ones
3) I am doomed to writing about wet toilet seats for the remainder of my life

Almost time for second semester

2006-01-16T01:42:00.000-05:00

The last few days of my break, 10 words a day:

Thursday: Boring. Researched finances, applied for first credit card.

Friday: Party at Boyfriend's, harrassed everyone about girl he liked before

Saturday: Last day home. The Jerk = awful movie. Almost no sleep.

Sunday: Leave home, airports suck, Grey's Anatomy mmmmm

It wasn't until I got back to campus (it is so cold here) that I found out that we don't have class tomorrow. I could have stayed home another day. Woe is me!

Things to look forward to?
More quotes from my (hopefully) funny teachers
I will try to have a more interesting life

Shopping and math should not go together

2006-01-11T02:45:00.000-05:00

A liberal arts education brings much learning, I'm sure. But I'm sure I couldn't defend it after my stunning academic performance today at the clothing store.

Here are the actions preceding today's special moment:
1) Received a $25 gift certificate for Christmas
2) Used said gift certificate to buy a $160 dress
3) Found a $25 coupon for the store from which I bought the dress
4) Returned the dress so I could re-buy it with the coupon

I wanted to make sure my gift certificate wasn't lost in any way, so I pointed it out to the lady at the register. She said

"OK, I'll just credit your account the full $160 and then you re-buy the dress. Is that all right?"

I nodded, but my mind did not follow in any way at all. She seemed to catch on.

"I want to make sure you understand..." She then started underlining figures and circling things to show me how it worked. While I understood that $160 minus $25 is $135, for some reason I still did not follow how the whole math thing worked out. Shouldn't the $25 be taken off the new purchase as well? My dress should only be about $100, right?

Eventually I made an embarrassed "Oh, I see" face and everyone seemed to think I understood. It was probably a full five minutes before I realized why it made sense. I pretty much needed to see the money change hands in front of me.

I'm not sure if I'm getting smarter or stupider-er

Such a greedy little girl

2006-01-05T02:06:00.000-05:00

So today was "Christmas" at my house. Since my brother came home yesterday, we decided on celebrating today. So, we ate chili and spent about an hour together as a family. Here is what I got:

- PJ's that match my mothers, which are called "French Kitty" (imagine what that looks like and how I won't be fitting in at college)
- Size 10 snow boots that my mom thought looked too small (my feet are size 8.5)
- The most kickass umbrella ever
- A video iPod.

If we remember the post where I bitched about not having an iPod, and the horror of iPods and my jealousy, we might think that I immediately was jumping up and down with glee, as unstoppable a force as I had been when I got a car for Barbie in Christmas 2000 - er... 1991.

Funny, because my very first thought was I wonder how much money I could get for this on eBay? Followed quickly by a "Ohmygosh I love it!!!" followed by I am the worst daughter ever

The arrival of the king

2006-01-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

I have an older brother who goes to school near my dad's house. As a result, he is rarely at my mom's house. Case in point: he came here today for the first time in a year.

Now, since Mom's darling, precious 21-year old baby hadn't been home in so long, she decided she wanted to make a special dinner for him. She was torn between the frozen lasagna from Costco and pot roast with mashed potatoes. I think she figured out that while frozen lasagna is nice, it's not special or fancy. So she chose the pot roast.

Since she was going to work in the morning, she asked me to put the meat in the slow cooker thing and turn it on for her. I said that would be fine. Then she decided she had to make him a cake. And by "she", she meant me. So she told me to make his cake.

I made the cake with my pal and we sat down to watch a movie. Then mom calls and tells me to peel the potatoes. I tell her I'm busy. She tells me to do it by seven o'clock. We get off the phone, and me and my pal go peel potatoes. I even chop them up and put them in a pot with water.

Then my mom calls and asks me if the potatoes are done cooking yet. Cooking? She didn't even tell me to put the stove on. I told her that no, I hadn't started them, and I wasn't going to. I wouldn't mind making dinner (I did it two days ago for my family) except that the only reason she was doing this was so dinner would be perfect for my brother. My mom never makes me a fancy meal when I come home. I think my first day home we had something like sandwiches or kitty litter or something.

Mom gets home and when the meal is put together, we sit down and eat. My stepdad and brother are talking about sports, and my mom is relentlessly babbling about the food:

"Wow, this looks just perfect, doesn't it?"

"Mmmmmm it's soo good"

"Isn't the pot roast so tender? Isn't it? It just falls right apart when you touch it with a fork!"

"Look at the gravy"

Does she expect us to join her? To give her an award for seeing the food and observing that yes, the meat is tender, because it was slowly cooked for 6 hours? To act as if she is pointing out something shocking even though they are things we can all see with our own eyes?

Usually when she does this, I think she's fishing for compliments. But since I made the dinner, I realized today that she's just a boring, boring woman.

The jogger

2006-01-03T18:47:00.000-05:00

I celebrated New Years up north with my lady friends and my gentlemen friends, and we all partied at Boyfriend's apartment. The morning after, my lady friends and I left at 10:30 in the morning. It was so strange walking to the car because absolutely nobody was outside. It was one of those moments like on TV where people think time is frozen.

As we pulled out of our parking spot, we noticed an older man facing our car who looked like he was about to go jogging. He looked at us angrily and shook his head, then as soon as he finished putting his gloves on, he made a fist and pounded it into his open hand.

And we had absolutely no idea why he did this.

Disgruntling toilet experience, part 2

2006-01-02T02:15:00.000-05:00

I'm a little concerned that this is continuing to happen to me. Less than a month ago, I sat down on a toilet that was still wet with cleaning stuff, and wrote about it in this entry. When I went to the bathroom at Round Table pizza the other day, I had a bit of a jolt when I walked into the ladie's bathroom to find a non-lady. I looked back at the sign indicating the gender of the bathroom, made a face, and the poor teenager started stuttering about how he worked there (which I had already gathered, since he was holding a bottle of Windex and a towel). So I shrugged, said it was fine, and ducked into the first stall.

Side note: it is times like this that make me feel like I need to make sure not to fart in the room with a boy. It is times like this when I realize how badly I have to pee because it is taking about a year to empty my bladder and there is an uncomfortable employee right outside my stall.

And yes, of course there was indeed Windex sprayed all over my toilet seat. Which I didn't know until I sat down. Thanks.

Needless to say, the employee was no longer in the bathroom when I came out of the stall.

Take the good with the bad

2005-12-27T16:31:00.000-05:00

Precious moment: waking up and realizing with joy that tap water is FREE

Places I did not throw up
- A toilet
- Someone's bed

Places I did throw up
- A sink (it didn't drain very well...)
- My friend's yard

Slummin' it

2005-12-26T01:42:00.000-05:00

Having spent about three days at Mr. Boyfriend's apartment (that he shares with three other boys), I realized something.

Boys aren't necessarily messier than girls, but knowing that it's a guy's place automatically makes everything seem dirtier. Even if I was in a million dollar condo, if it was owned by a bunch of boys, I'd still be slummin' it.

Oh, and is it bad that I like Mr. Boyfriend's family more than I like my own? Sad face...

He needs to be mushroom slapped

2005-12-24T18:55:00.000-05:00

Anyone remember my friend BM (Bitch and Moan)? Yeah, well. He's an idiot. You know those people who are amazing and make you think "How are they so freaking awesome?" Yeah, well he's the kind of person who makes you think "Is it possible to be this stupid?"

BM: i was in the mall by my house thinking about what i'm going to do with my life, and i realized something
BM: i've never had a blonde girlfriend.
Me: LOL
BM: now that i'm leaving [our school], i know that that's what i'm looking for.
BM: i'm going to a school with a lot of blondes.
Me: what...
Me: the fuck
BM: blondes and sun.
BM: and beef.
BM: and less people who drink tea.
BM: fuck i hate tea.
Me: ok but blondes?
Me: i'm disappointed, BM
BM: what?
BM: i've only been with brunettes
Me: that is the most retarded thing i've ever heard in my entire LIFE
BM: eh. i want a change.
Me: ok that's fine but do you have to pick your school based on the hair color of women you'd like to date?
Me: there are plenty of blondes almost everywhere you go
BM: well, that, the psych department, its location, the cost, and the availability of resources around it.
BM: but i'll be looking for blondes too.
Me: wow
Me: you
Me: suck
BM: what?
Me: ugh
Me: i hope you get mushroom slapped
BM: 0o
BM: not something i hear every day...
Me: weird, i would have thought it would be
BM: why's that?
Me: because you really need to be mushroom slapped!
BM: ick.
BM: and c'mon. blondes aren't bad.
BM: i'd just like to pay attention them for once.
BM: i just feel like i'm missing out.
BM: i'm in a rut.
BM: the only girls i've ever been with have been brunettes.
Me: it's HAIR COLOR
BM: it's hair color.
Me: HAIR COLOR
BM: hair color
Me: *mushroom slap*

Oh. my. god.

2005-12-23T16:45:00.000-05:00

I'd like to establish that I am a victim before I say anything else. You know when you wake up and go back to sleep and then dream about the last thing you remember?

I woke up and gave Mr. Boyfriend a handjob. During this time, my dad called on my cell phone (no, I didn't answer, shut up).

I went back to sleep and dreamt that I gave a handjob to my dad.

I think I'm going to go take twenty showers. *sob*

The Company Bitch

2005-12-22T17:29:00.000-05:00

For those of you who like laughter and office stories...

http://thecompanybitch.blogspot.com

has been added to my links list as well. Enjoy!

Puppie poo to the rescue!!

2005-12-21T20:08:00.000-05:00

A few days before I left for college my freshman year, my mother was pissing me off. In spite of the fact that I was a poor high school student, about to be a poor college student, my mom made me spend ridiculous amounts of money on things like shipping my bedding to my school because she didn't want to check 2 bags at the airport.

Then, approximately two days before I was going to leave, she had a fit and insisted that I get a passport. Not only that I get one, but that I pay for it myself. Passports cost about $80. Thanks, mom! The cherry on top was that I wouldn't even be able to see it before I left for college - they take about two weeks or so to process.

**

Now, me and Mr. Boyfriend are going to his apartment for a few days. He lives about 20 minutes from Canada, and since we can't legally drink in the U.S. but we can in Canada, he thought it would be fun to drive to Canada one night for a nice dinner or something (plus drinks of course). However, we weren't sure if it would be required to have a passport, since we heard that the border crossing rules were changing. Mr. Boyfriend doesn't have a passport, but I, of course, have one (thanks mom!).

So I called my mom to ask her where the passport was, and she goes "What passport?"

"The one I got before school started?!"

"Oh, you got a passport?"

"YES, don't you remember?"

"Hmm. Well, maybe it got sent to you."

"NO. It was sent to you. Where would it be?"

"Try looking in my office..."

So I look in her office, find a folder with her passport in it, but not mine. Then I see a folder marked with my name, so I open it and find a bunch of college paperwork, my birth certificate... well it seemed like I was getting closer. However, I did not find my passport in this folder. I did find old things from my childhood, including a bound story called "Puppie Poo to the Rescue!!"

Interesting that my mom keeps that but not my passport.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but word verification will never hurt me

2005-12-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, so. I have a confession to make. I give in to peer pressure. Sex, drugs, blog changes... Like, really easily. In this case, just one peer. And one pressure:

"And can you please get rid of these damn word verification things? They force me to spend way more time on an insignificant comment than I would ever care to."

The only defense I have is that I waited over a month to cave in. But yeah, to sum up, I'm a wuss. Also, in my journeys I discovered that the commenter had reasons other than word verification forcing people to "spend way more time on an insignificant comment than I would ever care to." Excuse my idiocy, but word verifications are really really hard to figure out sometimes! They make me question my mastery of the alphabet, wonder if I know the difference between i's and j's...
I mean, c'mon, they look really similar! I'm not saying I messed up on this one. But I'm not saying I got it right, either. I am saying that when you figure out which ones are j's and which are i's, you realize that it basically says Jizz PJ. Don't get all upset at me for misplacing the i and adding a z; get upset with the little fucker for talking about your PJs like that!!

You go ahead and believe it's a coincidence, but I cannot do so. Because as soon as you laugh at its little insults, the word verification thinger mocks you. No joke, it sounds just like me:I mean, people make fun of me for my strange noises, but a computer? It's time to draw the line.

Topless in the library

2005-12-15T17:18:00.000-05:00

My school is a little intense with the schoolwork. Therefore, last night being the night before final papers were due for the ENTIRE campus, the library open 24 hours, I sat in my chair with my coffee and my diet coke and my adderall, typing away in the company of a buttload of people.

I glanced up, and out of the corner of my eye, noticed a couple of guys at computers in the next room without their shirts on. Huh? Well, whatever... I went back to writing my paper.

I glanced up again, and to my surprise, a guy was walking by without a shirt or pants (just boxers). Um... maybe they're trying to relax? I went back to writing my paper.

I glanced up again, and to my utter amusement, the senior class president was standing up with a pot of coffee, completely topless. I laughed a little and wondered if maybe there was E in everyone's computers over there...

Today I found out that they were playing strip study. When someone finishes writing a page, they call it out and everyone else playing has to take off an article of clothing. The person who finished the page gets to put an article back on.

I hope their papers were... revealing... hah... wow, lame.

I want to play with the cool kids, too!

2005-12-11T11:46:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my post about politics, I am not particularly well acquainted with the inner workings of the outer world. I get sucked into this strange-but-lovely (and by lovely I mean suffocating and terrifying) world where cowboy boots with leg warmers, tights, and a miniskirt are "cool", nudity in public is OK, men wearing eyeliner is NOT weird, and reading Mein Kampf is not strange. Is it the same in the outside world, with the "regular" people?

When I wonder this, I get a vision of carrying a little copy of Mein Kampf into the workplace, and seeing people get visibly uncomfortable when they find out what cute little book I brought to read during my lunch break. Of course, soon thereafter I am being carried to a pit of burning flames, and my screams of "I'm studying him for psychology!" are unheard. More disturbingly, in this scenario I will be saved by a group of people with bald heads led by Edward Norton.*

More importantly, does EVERY SINGLE PERSON on the outside own an iPod? I'm serious. Every single person here seems to own an iPod. When did it become unacceptable to walk from point A to point B and listen to the sweet, soft sounds of nature or cars passing by? When did it become cool to have headphones on at all times? Why don't I have one!!!

Actually, it's my own fault. My dad offered to get me an iPod for my birthday last year, and I said I'd rather get shoes. I think I was shunning the whole iPod thing as overrated, in the same vein as the unappreciated hype over Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. And the most uncool person who ever lived, my mother, owns an iPod. And she doesn't even know what they are! I also felt guilty because I didn't want my dad to spend a massive $400 for an iPod to make me happy. Luckily, I got shoes instead (these shoes are currently MIA. So... good choice, me!).

Now, what's really interesting is that my roommate, who is constantly complaining about how poor she is (not in the I'm-so-poor-I-can't-go-out-to-the-movies way, but in the my-family-is-so-poor-because-my-parents-are-starving-artists way) recently got the new video iPod. Are you kidding me?

I am so ready to chuck an iPod at someone's lame-ass head.

That blue thing is a fanny pack. Those are probably going to be cool at college soon, too.

* Need help with this reference?

I could feel it coming again: word vomit. No, this time it was real vomit.

2005-12-10T18:21:00.000-05:00

All right, I think it's high time I wrote a post about a night of drunkenness! My school doesn't have a lot of big, badass parties but there are a lot of smaller, less badass parties. Last night, I decided at 2am that I wanted to go to a party and drink some alcohol. So I called a few people and showed up right as one party was ending... Then walked around looking for noisy people congregating outside in case there might be a party.

Luckily, I found one. I drank my forty and chatted with some people, but of course we soon got kicked out (it was probably almost 4 by this point). Well, of course I wasn't done. I went to my friend's room and drank some vodka from a water bottle. Hot tea is a pretty good chaser! Anyhow, the rest of this story is pretty hit or miss memory-wise, but I heard a lot of things that surprised me. I remember repeatedly telling people that the vodka tasted like Christmas. At some point, I was handed a piece of paper and a pen and told to write a letter to someone's boyfriend. Today, I read this "letter":

JORDAN SUCKS
HER BOYFRIEND:
I MISS OUR ANAL SEX IN THE GARDEN OF BEAUCRAGRY
U R MY VODKA WINE SPRITZER
I ALSO <3 (HEART) U LIKE WHOAH!!
U KNO U LOV (LUV) ME.
NEWAYS...
ALLEN GINSBERG = WURST WHORE = MIKE MINI BAZANGA!! (drawing of a cat)
<3 U LIKE WHOA
ALSO, MIKE = WAY INTO POETS WHO ARE WAY UNCOOL & ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS UM I FORGET & STUFF HE ROX. BUT POETRY WUTEV B/C DUDE
OK NEWAYS. HE should've useD MY STePDAD foR vietnam waR vets.
people @ school suck b/c they think they aRe cooLeR than me but they suck b/c they don't understand that they dont care about life but I, of course care about everyone who goes here & wish they were cooll cool

Luckily, soon after that I tried to show somebody the frown lines on my face and apparently started talking regardless of both whether other people were talking and whether anyone was listening to me. I then was led to Mike's bed by concerned people, where I proceeded to throw up on his bed, then started bawling, went to wash my hands and tried to make Jordan hug me. He refused. I got VERY upset when he refused, and my anger went something like this:

"We are both people! You are a person, and I am a person, and when you do things like this, you make me feel like I'm not a person! I have a seven inch penis!"

Impressive.

I then went back to Mike's bed, where I forced him to go to sleep RIGHT THAT INSTANT, without brushing his teeth or putting on pajamas. Finally, and equally embarrassingly, I fell asleep and snored for two hours so loud I almost shook the room.

Breaking news: Bush gives Lieberman oral sex "two thumbs way, way up"

2005-12-10T15:21:00.000-05:00

Truly, honestly, seriously... I almost never read the newspaper. Or the magazines, like Business Week, or the New Yorker, or anything that people who are adults read. It is a sign of boring, awful maturity and adultness to do these things. And it is incredibly easy to be in college and isolate myself from the important/"important" events in the outside world. We don't have cable, we don't have parents around constantly talking about Iraq or taxes or healthcare or whatever...

So I was reading a little news, mostly out of guilt and the sudden concern that when I enter the non-college world during winter break, I will experience a culture shock of epic proportions (well... not epic, but pretty big anyway).

And I have to say, people who aren't in college are all pretty much stupid. And most people in college are, as well. Well, maybe all the smart people are just hiding and not publishing anything that regular, stupid people read. Why do I say this? Let me show you.

Joe Lieberman says: "It is time for Democrats who distrust President Bush to acknowledge that he will be commander in chief for three more critical years, and that in matters of war we undermine presidential credibility at our nation's peril"

Michael McCurry says: "They may not agree with him, but Democrats respect what he is saying. People know he's not playing politics with Iraq."

Associated Press says: "The Bush Administration, meanwhile, can't seem to get enough of the senator who has sided with the president on many foreign policy, defense and homeland security issues. Lieberman huddled with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at a private Pentagon breakfast meeting Thursday amid rumors he could be a potential Rumsfeld successor. Bush singled out Lieberman for praise in his two most recent speeches, including Wednesday in New York where he noted: 'Senator Lieberman is right.'"

I say: Mikey? You are without a doubt correct. Joe Lieberman is truly, honestly not playing politics. He just loves President Bush (y'know... in that special holding-hands way) and in the world of politics, presidential support from a democrat is akin to "making his move." Of course other democrats respect what he is saying, even though it is opposite from what they believe to be right and so obviously a way of getting Bush into bed. Who doesn't respect a man trying to fulfill his heart's desires at everyone else's expense?

*sigh* If only Clinton hadn't made the whole President blowjob scandal such a big deal, Lieberman could hope to fellate Bush in the hopes of - who knows - a Supreme Court nomination? An appointment to be King of Iraq?

Good thing I got out into the real world and experienced the culture and intelligence brought to us by our government officials.

A case against using clean toilets

2005-12-08T16:26:00.000-05:00

In my economics class today, we started presenting our final projects. There were five presentations today, including myself. Let me begin my story by thanking my parents for teaching me proper etiquette. Rules go something like this:

1. It is not polite to exit the room in the middle of a speech or performance
2. It is not polite to enter the room in the middle of a speech or performance
3. It is not polite to abandon your own speech or performance at any time
4. It is basically not polite to move at all.

Obviously, I was undergoing a bit of a dilemma. Ten minutes before class, I realized that I didn't have any extra tampons on me. (Oh, be an adult and quit your whining) I decided not to go to my room for extras because I didn't want to be late to class. I figured I would go to the bathroom between presentations. So I went in to the class and we started presentations. Obviously I didn't want to leave during the first presentation, and thought it best not to leave during the question and answer time because I might be presenting next. Then another person butted in and presented before me, and basically rule 4 (above) applied for the entire class period.

At the end of class, having resisted my desire to go to the bathroom, I promptly left the room and walked into the nearest bathroom. The only other person in there was a cleaning lady, which made me happy because I love the smell of clean bathrooms and being the first to use a just-cleaned toilet. Don't you feel the same? I mean, the comfort of knowing that no one sat on the cleaned toilet before you, so that you can't wonder if they have herpes or crabs or something; no germs, just the sweet, sweet feeling on your backside of...

Windex.

That's right, Windex. I believe the cleaning lady was not quite done cleaning the toilet, because it was very very wet. Not in pee or water. In Windex.

At least my tush is clean.

They can take our club, but they cannot take our dignity! Perhaps because we never had dignity

2005-12-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this post by saying that I get into arguments with people about treating girls and boys the same, about social conditioning and gender construction all the time. I am constantly offended and struggling with the double standards faced by both men and women in this culture.

That said, on the nifty college networking website, facebook.com, I created a group with my friends called "Women Belong in the Kitchen or on their Knees." Why? Because it's so damned true. Okay, while I might not actually believe its truthfulness, I enjoy satire. Why? Because only people who have a grasp on the concept of "wit" can understand it. And those are the only people I wish to be near. Hence, satire abounds.

The problem is, there are a lot of people who do NOT have a firm grasp of this "wit" of which I speak. And those people, for some reason, are also allowed access to the internet. It is for this reason that "Women Belong in the Kitchen or on their Knees" was stolen from under us (under our knees...? OK, that was a cheap shot) and the group's founders were sent emails notifying us that we would be removed from facebook if this happened again.

I think us people who possess a sense of humor should have our rights restored.

That said, I'm off to go bake a pie for a man to eat and iron his clothes!

Don't act like you didn't miss them...

2005-12-04T11:04:00.000-05:00

Did you think I was slacking on the quotes? No no no, my friend! I was saving them up for a nice little gift:

Art History
- (10 minutes into the class)“I’m sure you’ve had enough of me already and want me to just be quiet.”
- (Writing on the board, without looking back)“Your eyes have now permanently glazed over…”
- “You know those conversations you have…? Okay, the conversations I had in college. You get drunk and go ‘Yeah! Why would they do that? Why would they do that?” *stumbles around like a drunk college kid*
- “There’s no getting around it, I’m a moron”
- “Among my many eccentricities is a Nautica suit.”
- “I open myself up to criticism here, but if you do criticize me, I will grade you harshly…”
- Student 1: “These aren’t stapled?”
Teacher: “no, if we press staple, the photocopier has a coronary trombiotomy”
Student 2: “I hate it when that happens.”
- (of a missing slide) “It was last seen running down Mead Way…”
- “My foot is halfway in my mouth on a regular basis.”

Economics
- “He’s got bows, she’s got arrows; she’s got… fish…? um…”
- “Whenever you use the word ‘protection’, everybody gets a skin rash.”
- “Bard, which is a Post-Keynesian ghetto…”
- “I like to draw pictures… I think it’s a pretty clever drawing”
- Student: “When will you be done with our papers?”
Teacher: “Well, I’m going to do a blitzkrieg this weekend”

Filmmaking
- Teacher: "Why would people instant message each other if they were in the same room?"
Student: "It's easier, I mean if you want to show them something online, or like send a file or something..."
Teacher: "What? If people are IM-ing each other in the same room, those people just need to get laid!"

Act your age, not your shoe size

2005-12-02T00:46:00.000-05:00

There are many things that remind me that I am pretty much inferior in this world.
- My bank account
- Being unemployed
- People not looking at me when I walk by them
- People I know not looking at me when I walk by them
- A faculty member I interviewed not remembering me
- My inability to harness my supernatural powers
- Realizing that the main decision in my day is whether I want a tuna or chicken sandwich
- My bra size
- I still get to play the cute little kid card sometimes (where you get everything you want because people think it's cute you're new at something)
- My parents still paying bills for my cost of living (medical, dental, etc)
- Not technically being allowed to drink alcohol
- Nicknames from parents like "Pinkie" not yet gone
- Still sitting at the kids table at family events

Thankfully, there are some reminders that I am a (sometimes) mature adult:
- I can go to jail for statutory rape
- It's not too soon to notice things like my brain turning into a blob of dysfunction
- Worrying about weight and diet is no longer "something you don't have to think about yet"
- Is that a blonde hair or a grey one? is a legitimate question
- Getting less than 7 hours of sleep causes morning-after "I'm just not as young as I used to be" feelings when I realize that my body feels sick
- I started caring about politics
- I started noticing that there are a lot of stupid people. Seriously.

Chillow cools your hotflash!

2005-11-27T00:06:00.000-05:00

Visiting my dad for Thanksgiving, we were waiting for a prescription to be filled at the drugstore, and so I sat down on the leather chair pimped out in an automatic massager. As I relaxed, I looked at the displays around me. Thankfully, there was a whole stack of massagers, slippers, and other equally comforting products. My favorite was

"Chillow cools your pillow...
and your
HEAD
BACK
HOTFLASH
SUNBURN
FEET
& MORE"

Wait, wha? Chillow cools my hotflash? I didn't even know I was having those! Wow, what a relief. But my favorite part is that "HOTFLASH" is slipped into the middle of the other objects that Chillow can cool. You know that the people who designed this didn't just roll these out in this order. They probably thought

"head, back, feet... hm... hotflash? hahaha... well, I guess Chillow could cool a hot flash. And not only will suffering menopausal women want to buy it, but their husbands will buy it for them to get them to shut the hell up with their bitching. I guess we'd better put another ailment in there so hot flash isn't the odd one out. Sunburn."

I wish Chillow didn't tell us that we could use it for more than just those five things. Otherwise my ex roommate from last year might not have used it to chill her ticker and become such a cold-hearted bitch.

Coca cola supports fellatio

2005-11-16T15:35:00.000-05:00

This was a poster made by Coke that had to be recalled because of its risque content... I love artists :)

Tips for Cabbage Patch dolls

2005-11-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

Thank GOODNESS I ran into this blog today: http://culazy05.blogspot.com/

"One of the good things about the internet is the massive load of information available on almost any subject, like computers. The problem of course is that when you start trying to find specific information about boys gymnastics gear it can be hard to sort out the good boys gymnastics gear information from the bad boys gymnastics gear information."

I have to admit, I was getting worried that the internet was lying about gymnastics gear.

But you know what else I've been really curious about? Cabbage patch boy dolls.

"The Internet is a niche market ripe for Ezines on cabbage patch boy dolls. A cabbage patch boy dolls Ezine may include tips, articles or relevant information on cabbage patch boy dolls."

Tips on cabbage patch boy dolls? Why of course! Like, what to feed them, what to do when they get cranky, etc. You know, cabbage patch boy dolls are NOT like regular babies - or even regular dolls for that matter. Did you know, for example, that when a cabbage patch doll is hungry or thirsty, the correct thing to do is to beat them into silence? You are not to feed them or offer them drink until they have a fat lip and broken rib.

This cabbage patch boy is ready for snack! -->

Men should be seen and not heard

2005-11-14T23:57:00.000-05:00

So I have this friend, let's call him Bitch and Moan (BM for short). He is constantly bitching and moaning about how much he wants a relationship but all girls want from him is sex, sex, sex. And then he decided, never mind! He wants to lose his virginity before he turns 19. But he still bitches about the "insane" girls here and how fucked up everyone is. I think that's a grand exaggeration - the fucked up people are pretty easy to avoid, especially if you're like BM and rarely leave your room. Here is a conversation we had online today - it illustrates the reasoning behind his nickname as well as the perils of what I have to endure every time I talk to him.

BM: do me a favor. find me a sane, cute, and at least relatively funny girlfriend before the end of the year.
BM: i'll try to find you a boy. my job's significantly harder, so give me till the end of the school year
BM: i'd recommend lesbianism, but you're liable to run into the same kinds of people i've been running into.
Me: UGHHGHGHGH
Me: there are cute sane girls everywhere, they just dont live in your building
Me: and setting people up doesnt work all that well
BM: sure it does
BM: i've never tried, but i'd like to meet a girl that way at least once
BM: at least you'd know she's sane before i start talking to her
BM: sanity + attractiveness is ridiculously rare
Me: ugh
Me: you're such a whiner
BM: meh, let me whine
BM: do you know any girls who'd be interested in me?
Me: no
Me: i dont like a lot of girls in general
Me: if i'm friends with a girl i approve of her. and i'm not friends with a lot of girls
BM: yet i'm supposed to be able to find one
BM: you have like 4 friends
BM: (no offense)
Me: i know that
Me: because i dont LIKE other girls
BM: alright, point taken.
...
BM: eh, i know everybody...i just don't trust them.
BM: well, not everybody, but a good portion of everybody
BM: people up here are shit, so it's better to keep them at arm's length [I bet that's where you want your girlfriend to be...]
Me: see, you should lower your standards
Me: people up here are not shit.
BM: i think my standards are low enough
Me: you are mean
BM: the good girls i know here are either taken or go for assholes
Me: well stop being so impatient
BM: fuck patience, i've been patient for long enough
BM: i'm trying to keep some bearing on who i really am
BM: which amounts to looking for a stable relationship
Me: no it doesnt
BM: yeah, it does
Me: it's not about having a stable relationship
Me: a relationship shouldnt "complete" you or be what makes you happy, you should be happy on your own before you even have the relationship
BM: that's bullshit
BM: we're human. by nature social animals. the desire for companionship is innate[...blah blah, he goes on forever.]
Me: we're social animals but that doesnt mean you need to have a ROMANTIC relationship or COMPANION
BM: i'd like to have something more meaningful than a friendship
BM: though friendship in itself is difficult in this shithole
BM: it's like a personality wasteland
Me: this place is NOT that retarded
BM: fucking shit, this place is that retarded.
BM: by the end of four years at this place, i'm gonna be fucking psychotic. tant amount to a north easterner, but that's basically the same thing.
...
BM: anyway, find me a girl
BM: i'm not that bad, am i?
Me: i dont set people up
Me: all you do is bitch about how crappy everyone is. if you stop being negative people might be like "that BM guy is really awesome!" instead of "man, that BM guy hates everyone"
BM: fuck that, i only talk to people who want to talk to me [Now that's a great way to meet potential girlfriends]
Me: ok that could also be where you're going wrong
Me: and that could be why the only girls who you talk to are skanky hoes

... What?! I'm a bitch.

I don't wanna grow up, cause baby if I did, I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid

2005-11-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

How is my film going, you ask?

Well, since you asked, I'll share a little anecdote with you.

My film is a mockumentary (a la Best in Show, etc.) about my school. It depicts students being hit by water balloons from a moving vehicle, scantily clad students drinking heavily, a teacher teaching a student how to roll a joint... The person I use to play the teacher is my film teacher. We got some footage on Wednesday, and afterwards I gave everyone cupcakes. When I called her the next day to confirm the follow-up shoot, she said a lot of nice things about my film... and then spent about ten minutes asking me why she only got one cupcake. What? Here's how the conversation went:

Her: "I thought they were all for me!"
Me: "Well... they werent. I couldn't only give you cupcakes, there were other people helping me!"
Her: "Yeah well I thought they were all for me and I got really upset when I saw other people taking MY cupcakes. After you left, I had a meltdown. I had to get Fred to calm me down!"
Me: "I'm sorry. I didn't know you wanted so many cupcakes. But you'll get more, I mean we're not even done filming yet."
Her: "But I was really upset"
Me: "It's going to be ok. I couldn't only give you cupcakes."
Her: "I don't care about the other people, I care about my cupcakes."
Me: "Unghghngh"

... This is a teacher. This is my teacher. I think she may just be a Toys R Us kid, because she sure as hell hasn't grown up.

Sometimes the only notes I write in class are quotes

2005-11-12T13:36:00.000-05:00

Art History
- "I don't know if it's dot com or dot org or dot... friend..."
- *turns on lights* "Ah! I can see again! Helen Keller no longer!"
- "If I were going to Austria, I'd be smiling now. But I'm going to Little Rock, Arkansas."
- "Those of you who turned your papers in on time, you're going to get a gold star. No, I'm serious. I'm going to go buy gold stars and put them on your papers."
- Student: "Joe, are you on DayQuil?"
Teacher: "No, I'm just trying to get through the day."
- "I know I created the environment, but I have to turn into an adult." (Or just go to Neverland? ehh?)
- "We have a lot to do today. And we're going to do it all. You may say 'No, Joe, it's too much - your voice, the material...' But I'm going to do it all."
- "This is like warm-up, it's like the Tonight show"
- "It turned out that there were NINE quattro senati, not four."
- *student's phone rings* "Ah, a former student calling to complain!"
- *slide doesn't show up* "One hopes there is a reason it is not coming forward..."
- *new slide, long pause* "Um... hopefully I have something interesting to say..."
- "My brother is a moderate Republican. There still are those, but he is one of six."

Economics
- Me: "Jamee, are we going to have another paper?"
Teacher: "Yes. Due Monday"
Me: "No... me equal sign [puts hands in 'equal sign' position] serious."
Teacher: "Ok, it's assigned on Monday, due after Thanksgiving."
Me: "Can we do our conference papers instead?"
Teacher: "No."
Me: "Can we do it instead of our conference papers?"
Teacher: "No... me equal sign [hands] serious."
-Teacher: "People try to make all kinds of correlations! The number of marriages in New York City and the production of bananas in Bolivia..."
Student: "Seriously?!"
Teacher: "... no... but... stuff like that"

Kodak moments

2005-11-09T17:24:00.000-05:00

Life experience #1:
Setting: bathroom
Object: contacts case
Unpleasant surprise: A pubic hair (probly not mine)

Life experience #2:
Setting: different bathroom
Object: toilet flusher
Unpleasant surprise: Liquid on said toilet flusher that yes, I did touch

Life experience #3:
Setting: my dream last night
Object: cute gay boy
Unpleasant surprise: waking up and realizing I made out with cute gay boy in my dream; seeing cute gay boy and waving at him, not getting a wave back

Life experience #4:
Setting: my dream 2 nights ago
Object: The Hot Librarian
Unpleasant surprise: waking up and realizing that THL does NOT live upstairs in my house and she will NOT be helping me with my film. Also, feeling like a big stalker

Life experience #5:
Setting: my film shoot
Object: rolling papers
Unpleasant surprise: finding out there are not enough rolling papers to complete the shoot

Wikipedia, you are so beautiful to me

2005-11-05T18:24:00.000-05:00

Last night, in the midst of some relaxing cocaine snorting, I heard my companions say "Wikipedia says that if you put coke on the end of your cigarette filter, it will numb the back of your throat as you smoke. Let's try it!" I love that the internet is giving us lovely kids tips on different ways to use drugs. I, however, don't smoke cigarettes and wasn't about to start (irony? Surely not).

I've decided as of late that Wikipedia should probably be promoted and described as one of my best friends. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling and makes me feel powerful. It tells me like it is.

After becoming aware of the many helpful recreational uses of Wikipedia, I decided to look up some other drugs to see what I could find out.

Search for "Botox", you get "Botulin toxin". This is some serious shit. I mean, the drug that gets pumped into ladies' faces all the time? Yeah, I knew it could be dangerous, but check this out:
- "It is possibly the most toxic substance known, with a lethal dose of about 200-300 pg/kg, meaning that somewhat over a hundred grams could kill every human living on the earth."
Now, do you like conspiracy theories? Me too:
- "in 1961, the CIA prepared some cigars of Fidel Castro's favorite brand which had been saturated with botulinum toxin, for the possibility of an assassination attempt."
If only 100 grams could kill the entire human population, I'm not sure why saturating the cigar was necessary. Unless they think Fidel is more than just one man. Or does it reflect the gravity of his threat? Or was the CIA trying to kill ALL Cubans?

If you look up cocaine, you can learn a little bit about capitalism:
- "When the Spaniards conquered South America, they at first ignored Aboriginal claims that the leaf gave them strength and energy, and declared the practice of chewing it the work of the Devil. But after discovering that these claims were true, they legalized and taxed the leaf... These taxes were for a time the main source of support for the Roman Catholic Church in the region"
Interesting... the leaf is no longer the work of the devil, but something that can support the Church! And so it began... but while many praised coca leaves, they didn't create quite the craze that some were looking for. Luckily, we can thank Angelo Mariani for solving this dilemma:
- "A chemist named Angelo Mariani who read Mantegaza’s paper became immediately intrigued with coca, and its economic potential"
Thank goodness. In case you think cocaine is on the decline, do not fear.
- "The estimated U.S. cocaine market exceeded $35 billion in street value for the year 2003, exceeding revenues by corporations such as AT&T and Starbucks."

So next time you get all uppity about corporations or monopolies, just snort some cocaine (or smoke it, or inject it, or eat it) and chill out. It's going to be okay.

Sometimes I question your committment to Sparkle Motion

2005-11-04T00:51:00.000-05:00

So I went to a play today, because one of my housemates is in it. I realized that I had no idea what the play was about only when the lights dimmed and the first words were spoken in an Irish accent. Followed by the whole entire play.

It's interesting also to see what happens when you wait after the performance for the actors to come out so you can congratulate them. For instance, after my housemate came out, she ran towards me and the other housemates... and hugged the guy standing next to us. Oh. Well, he's her friend visiting from another school so I guess that's understandable. And then she went over to talk to some other friends... and THEN gave us some quick hugs before returning back to her other friends.

This may not have been so painful if the friends weren't incredible eye candy gay boys from the aforementioned Cross Dress Cabaret and afterparty. And I was too shy (starstruck? yes) to say hello... And if I hadn't had a dream last night about having a four inch double chin...

Now, since school is about learning, let's crunch some numbers:

Number of dinners I ate today: 0
Number of cookies I ate today: 4+
Estimated amount of cookie dough I ate today: 1/4 cup
Number of donuts I ate today: 1
Number of times I yelled at my roommate for no good reason: at least 6
Dollars spent in the last 2 days on food: 70
Free pot consumed yesterday: 6 hits
Number of sentences I didn't bother finishing: about 11
Hours of homework done in the past 2 days: .25

I should expect costumes, this is college!

2005-11-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

Since I go to a small, liberal arts school whose students think they're "different" and "out there," I was surprised that when I came here, I didn't see too many "different" kids. Sure, there's a group of kids who wear black clothing and there are some kids who think they're deeply troubled but artistically brilliant... but we had those in high school, too. And, as in high school, the punked out kids, the gay kids, and the artsy kids all have their own lunch tables. Y'know, like in Mean Girls.

I guess I shouldn't be talking. I'm one of those "normal" kids who seem to be taking over the school. (When I say normal, I mean that I look normal. Most of the time. I think I compensate for this by acting extremely abnormally.)

However, it is a testament to the somewhat strangeness (at least the professed strangeness) of the kids who go here that when I saw kids walking around campus with bright wigs, painted faces, and strange, clashing clothing, I thought to myself "Well, I shouldn't be surprised, after all, this place is different from most" instead of "It's Halloween."

Good job, self.

Oh quotes, be good to me

2005-10-29T18:27:00.000-04:00

Economics
This girl who always brings her lunch to class (I hate it) had a soda bottle that was clear with some yellow-ish drink in it. In the middle of his sentence about economics, my teacher stops and says "... I hope this is not what I think it is..."
The girl responded "It's not beer."

Art History
Similarly, my teacher stopped in mid-sentence to say: "Did I do my little dance of the arch yet? No? *puts up hands* I am a dome!"

Filmmaking
Teacher: "What would be the sources of light in this scene?"
Student: "Well, does one of you have an after-sex glow or something?"

It's not rape if she doesn't let you rape her

2005-10-28T17:36:00.000-04:00

I like the school I'm at. I think the more people I hear bitching about it, the more I like it. Because those people are wrong.

Example: My campus newspaper did a piece on the three different eating options we have on campus. When they talked about the awful prices at one place, they said that soup there costs $3. That is a lie. I eat the soup and it costs like $1.75. It's one of the cheapest things they sell. Now, why would you lie about the price of something when most of your audience will probably know that you're lying? Tsk.

Today I went to talk to my academic advisor, who is from Pakistan. I think she's funny as hell because... well, because she gets my jokes. I also think it's funny that when I have nothing to say, I can just repeat her name a few times for no reason at all and it's not strange. Why do I do this? Because her name sounds cool. Oh Shahnaz, you advising fiend.

Last year I accidentally suggested that she got smashed at a bar with her coworkers and got hit on. I'm not sure how someone can accidentally suggest something like that, but I tend to ramble long enough while I'm talking that, if left unchecked, my words turn into monstrous creations I can no longer control.

Oh, don't worry about punishing me. After meeting with Shahnaz (Oh Shahnaz, you trickster), she asked me if I could help her do something. Since I'm probably one of her more irritating students, I said "sure!". Photocopying, after all, is not rocket science.

But, that's a lie. Photocopying IS rocket science. I photocopied for an hour and a half before the copier turned into a woman. Dealing with a photocopier made me feel like a man trying to communicate with a woman. We may verbally speak the same language, but that doesn't always help too much. Since I'm fluent in photocopy, I'll translate some of my conversation with the photocopier:

Me: C'mon baby, just do what I say and I'll treat you real good
Copier: I'd love to!
ERROR PAPER JAM
Me: What's wrong, baby? You know I love you.
Copier: Do you? Claudine told me you say the same things to her
Me: What?! That's crazy talk, baby. You know you're the only one. What can I do to fix it?
Copier: Money?
Me: NO
Copier: Dammit. Just go down there and fiddle with that... more on the left... yeah, that's good.
Me: Okay. Now can I put this in so we can finish this up?
Copier: Sure...
ERROR PAPER JAM
Me: What the hell!
Copier: I wasn't done. Go more to the right. Yeah, that's good.
Me: Okay are you all done?
Copier: Yeah.
Me: Can you help me out now?
Copier: Sure...
ERROR PAPER JAM
Copier: ... well... I don't really want to anymore. Sorry!

God I hate women.

Can you Google "fuck you!" for me please?

2005-10-24T12:15:00.000-04:00

I work in the library. It's a cushy, information desk job that allows me to make $8/hour while I surf the internet. Every once in a while, someone brightens my shift by asking me a question that makes me curious about their mental capacity.

For instance, I often (at least once a week) get someone who says to me "I don't know how to search on the library catalogue, can you show me how?" My instinct is to tell them no, it's an incredibly difficult tool to use and I still have not figured it out. But instead I end up getting up and doing all their work for them. These must be people who have never done anything for themselves in their lives. Did they even try anything first before asking me? No. Get some soul, people!

Then there's the lady who tries to make me sign her up for a Yahoo! email account. I'm not sure why she didn't care that I would know her password and email preferences, but I flatly refused.

Finally, there's the trillion year old Latin teacher (henceforth known as Professor Mentally Ill) who comes in to the library during almost every one of my shifts. The first time he did, he just breezed by me and said "I don't know how to search on Google. Do a search on Google for [I forget what]." What?! You know that you want to use google, and you know what you want to type in. You can't just DO it??? How does a man who can't do a simple internet search get paid to be a professor?!

I looked the stuff up for him. During my next shift, he made me look up something else (equally absurd, I assure you) and then print something for him. After it printed, I was fed up enough that I refused to go get the paper that had printed. I am NOT his maid. But my coworker, Brian, got it for him. So Professor Mentally Ill is still a king.

Last night at the library, I was working with Brian, and PMI comes in and snoops around the library and sits in the back like he owns the place. After a while, Brian comes up to me with a paper that says:

"Hi L 12,
Professor Mentally Ill would like you to google the following:

1. American History from 1876 to 1976. (What happened?)
2. Virgil's Aeneid and its influence on NBC television movies.
3. The Mighty Jennifers: (Aniston, Lopez, and Gartner).
4. Why exactly did Brad leave Jen? (in 10 words or less)"

I sat there with the paper, shaking my head. What, the, fuck! This guy was crazy.

That's when Brian told me that it was a joke and he actually wrote the note. THEN it was just funny. Why? Because not only did I believe that PMI wanted me to look up those absurd things, but because it didn't seem unreasonable that PMI would ask me to under normal circumstances.

Mmmm, quotes

2005-10-22T13:25:00.000-04:00

You know you love them:

Economics
- "In the interest of the fact that I realize that you guys are human beings..." (he gave us an extension on our papers. I have reason to believe he forgot about our humanity because he is non-human.)

Art History
- "He doesn't want his clothes because they were cheap... from the Gap 2 or something."
- (Responding to the lateness of a student) "Mr. Pierce, thank you very much, please show up on time, or I'll have to kill you!"
- (Another threat to a late student...) "Under this yuppie exterior lurks a true Sicilian... so you can count on me to make good on threats."
- (About sports) "Anyone who gets money to bounce a ball, I'll be interested."
- Conversation between amongst students:
Him: "If I'm going to miss a class, it should be today because people will think I'm atoning" (Jewish holiday)
Me: "Atoning... for missing this class?"

Filmmaking
- "I'm gonna be in the dean's office... she doesn't call and say 'I need to see you in my office;' she says 'Cookie, how you doin;?' I don't take that sweet shit, I'm from the hood. I walk in her office and say 'What it is!?!'"