College is dangerous

Reasons I might have a stomach ache right now:

1. Breakfast - leftover pasta
2. Lunch - 6 oatmeal cookies
3. Dinner - leftover pasta, 2 pieces of pizza on a full stomach
4. Napping directly after said full stomach
5. Three Diet Cokes
6. No water
7. Downing 7 pills (vitamins, I promise) all at once
8. Bad posture throughout the entire day


My dad is coming to visit me tomorrow! This means the following:
- Spending time with his girlfriend
- Getting free meals
- Being taken to the movies (again, no paying)
- Getting driven everywhere
- Having the deciding power (where we eat, what movie we watch... everything)
- A ride to the grocery store and back

Partying gets you places

Oh, I don't think the bottle deep-throating was the best idea. Because now I'm sick.


I hope I didn't deep-throat a bottle used by the cast member who had mono.

Yeah... I think ahead.

Cast party? Hmm...

All right. The play I stage managed (Closer) ended yesterday. It's over. I don't know if I can handle having 3, 4, 5 extra hours to myself every day but I might manage. Y'know, since I got another stage manager job that starts on Tuesday. GOOD IDEA, right?

So the play was good. The cast party... I couldn't tell you. We sat and watched the movie, which was a drinking game. Every time a line was different from the play, every time a swear word was used, every time there was a sexual innuendo, a scene change, or Clive Owen being hot (which apparently is all the time?) we all had to take a swig of whatever we were drinking. I stopped participating during the 3rd scene. I was already drunk and the movie seemed to be getting progressively worse. I hope it was because of my drunkenness, because I had liked the movie before.

You know how when people are drunk, they can be a sad drunk, a happy drunk, a violent drunk, etc? Well... last night I was a complainy drunk. I think I told about 4 people (who probably didn't care) the story of my last post. The following things also happened last night:

- Interpretive dancing to Damien Rice
- Shaving someone's beard off after having a few drinks
- Being made fun of for hearting so many gay boys at my school
- A bout of hiccups that lasted, oh, about 20 minutes
- A game of suck and blow (my first!!) There was a lot of cheating and not nearly enough kissing
- I apparently had a 4 minute conversation with Boyfriend on the phone after I had gone to sleep but I have no idea what about. The only thing I remember was him saying he couldn't hear me and me looking down to see that the phone had fallen away from my mouth.

Um... I also forgot until just now... Me and gorgeous gay boy had a competition to see who could deep throat the most (and apparently that means give better head). We started with someone's hand, and then graduated to beer bottles, which are not shaped like penises and don't work very well. In case you were wondering. Anyway we came out tied, which is encouraging because in the part of his life that I've made up for my own amusement, he's pretty fantastic at giving blowjobs.

Excuse me? Do you know who I am? I'm kind of a big deal

So, at one point when I was in high school, I thought I wanted to be an actress. I quit violin and took theatre classes. Then, somewhere down the line I lost interest. Not that I didn't like acting or theatre, but more the prospect of chasing a paycheck for the rest of my life and obsessing over things like my weight and my worth... I'll obsess over those things without getting paid, thank you very much.

Anyway this year I live with a bunch of theatre girls, and they're sweet and all... but they're also fucked in the head. This one girl, named el bitch, (L for short) wrote a play that is going to be read. This means that it will have a director and actors, but they'll have their scripts in front of them and do minimal blocking. Readings can be cool and all, but it's not like her play is actually being performed. Anyway apparently now she's the best EVER and feels like she should be able to make other people unhappy.

So I stumble into a conversation where she is trying to convince D-dawg (the scone loser from before) to audition for a part in her play that's "perfect for you!!!". D-dawg, who is mainly a literature and art history buff and spends her free time knitting, is not interested and refuses.

I ask L why D would be perfect for the part, and she says "Well it's just like D! It's a girl who's really really smart and wants to be popular, and is basically willing to do anything to become popular."

"I could play that," I say, not that I would want to.

Without even considering, L says "No... no you couldn't."

"What?! Why the hell not?"

"Well, you're not at all like that."

"And D is? D doesn't want to be popular and is certainly not willing to do anything to become popular. She won't even leave her room!"

"Well... the main thing is that the character is just really smart."

*blink*

I don't think I said anything out loud about that comment, except to my roommate later, but excuse me? L hasn't even seen me act so she has no reason to think that I couldn't do it, and she also just called me STUPID.

There's something called politeness. And I'm sorry if your whore mother didn't teach you about it, but you should really get some.

How did you get into college?

In my filmmaking class, the teacher started showing us the first 20 minutes of films so we could discuss technique and all that. It's a good idea. It's a bad class.

There are a few new students in the class (5 or so) and two of them are particularly irritating. As in, I want to inflict pain on them and I actually sincerely hope that their films turn out to be good wastebasket stuffers. Why would I be so incredibly malicious in my hopes for them?

Well, student 1 says things like this: "I found real monkeys to film"
Teacher: "Wait, what? Real ones? Where did you find them?"
Student 1: "They were on campus. The president has a stash of monkeys in her backyard, right outside the visual arts building."
Teacher: "What?"
Student 1: "Seriously. It's perfect."
Whole class: "Shut the hell up."

And the second student is a complete imbecile. Today we were showed the beginning of a documentary, "Best Boy" about a family with a mentally disabled member. When we were discussing the film, student 2 says "So this guy is actually mentally retarded?"
Teacher: "yes.."
Student 2: "And his cousing just happened to be a brilliant filmmaker?" (meaning: "That's just too convenient. Something's fishy here")
The world: "Well yes."

If the cousin wasn't a filmmaker, the movie never would have been made. Of course someone in the family "happened to be" a filmmaker. Idiot. IDIOT.

These are just examples from ONE class. Imagine the pain I am put through every time I see their mouths open. It's like watching really bad acting or really awful comedians. Or being near stupid people... Oh wait, that's exactly what it is.

Scone champion

So here's the situation. One of my housemates, D-dawg, has a number of qualities. She's really quite a character. One of her qualities is "I'm always right." And she usually is. And she tells you when you're not right. So it's always nervewracking to be in the kitchen. Now that I'm off the meal plan, I have to figure out how every little thing is supposed to be done. Not that I was clueless before, but little things like how hot to have the pan when you're cooking chicken or vegetables.

D-dawg always makes really good food. She makes a lot of Italian food, and Mexican food... she just makes a lot of food. And she makes it all homemade; her pasta sauce, her marinades. So I always feel like a child when I stroll into the kitchen with my jar of alfredo sauce and bottle of marinade, my packages of frozen vegetables, etc. And naturally, while it is sometimes pretty damn annoying when she looks over my shoulder and says "What are you making? Why are you doing it that way?", I also look up to her because - like I said - she knows what she's doing.

So after she made scones one time, I decided "Hey, baked goods are fun!" and when I went to the store I got blueberry & sour cream scones, from the England section of course. (Only England makes scones). And yesterday, I was really really really bored, so I decided it was scone time. In spite of my fear of our malfunctioning oven (you have to guess the temperature. I'm not kidding), I bravely mixed the ingredients and scooped my scones onto the cookie sheet. D-dawg was there for moral support and to knit, and so there were of course occasional comments. My favorite was "You're so funny." When asked to elaborate, she said that she meant I was funny because I always took the longest way to do everything and paid too much attention to things that didn't matter. See how skilled she is at taking potential compliments and making them uncompliments?

Anyway. All that to say... My scones were PERFECT. They were so yummy and delicious. And. They were better than HERS. BOOYA D-DAWG!!!

I tip my hat to all people who venture to make baked goods this week.

Time for entertainment

I have bad news and I have good news. The bad news is that none of my teachers are even remotely funny this semester.

The good news is that I'm pretty much amused by how un-funny they are. Here are the few and far between quotes I have gathered thus far:

Film History
- Teacher: "We look at the face first; we don't look at the foot or the arm or the thigh... we might look at them later..."
- Student: "You still want to watch it but you want to turn it off because you're like 'OK I get the eagle now!'"
- Teacher: "I think it's important to note that he didn't cast Cary Grant."
- Student: "There are different types of men; the handsome sleazy man, the old..." (struggles)
Teacher: "sleazy man."

Filmmaking
- Teacher: "Do you know what you have to do for next week?"
Student: "um... I think so?"
Teacher: "You're going to be so fun to fuck with for the rest of the semester."
- Teacher: "Someone before the semester is gonna fuck me [over]... So I'm going to find the best Crisco I can, and bend over."

Psychology
- Teacher: "What genes do do... and that's not a reference to doo-doo."
One person laughs.
Teacher: (disappointed) "I thought people were supposed to like scatological humor."