It's not rape if she doesn't let you rape her
I like the school I'm at. I think the more people I hear bitching about it, the more I like it. Because those people are wrong.
Example: My campus newspaper did a piece on the three different eating options we have on campus. When they talked about the awful prices at one place, they said that soup there costs $3. That is a lie. I eat the soup and it costs like $1.75. It's one of the cheapest things they sell. Now, why would you lie about the price of something when most of your audience will probably know that you're lying? Tsk.
Today I went to talk to my academic advisor, who is from Pakistan. I think she's funny as hell because... well, because she gets my jokes. I also think it's funny that when I have nothing to say, I can just repeat her name a few times for no reason at all and it's not strange. Why do I do this? Because her name sounds cool. Oh Shahnaz, you advising fiend.
Last year I accidentally suggested that she got smashed at a bar with her coworkers and got hit on. I'm not sure how someone can accidentally suggest something like that, but I tend to ramble long enough while I'm talking that, if left unchecked, my words turn into monstrous creations I can no longer control.
Oh, don't worry about punishing me. After meeting with Shahnaz (Oh Shahnaz, you trickster), she asked me if I could help her do something. Since I'm probably one of her more irritating students, I said "sure!". Photocopying, after all, is not rocket science.
But, that's a lie. Photocopying IS rocket science. I photocopied for an hour and a half before the copier turned into a woman. Dealing with a photocopier made me feel like a man trying to communicate with a woman. We may verbally speak the same language, but that doesn't always help too much. Since I'm fluent in photocopy, I'll translate some of my conversation with the photocopier:
Me: C'mon baby, just do what I say and I'll treat you real good
Copier: I'd love to!
ERROR PAPER JAM
Me: What's wrong, baby? You know I love you.
Copier: Do you? Claudine told me you say the same things to her
Me: What?! That's crazy talk, baby. You know you're the only one. What can I do to fix it?
Copier: Money?
Me: NO
Copier: Dammit. Just go down there and fiddle with that... more on the left... yeah, that's good.
Me: Okay. Now can I put this in so we can finish this up?
Copier: Sure...
ERROR PAPER JAM
Me: What the hell!
Copier: I wasn't done. Go more to the right. Yeah, that's good.
Me: Okay are you all done?
Copier: Yeah.
Me: Can you help me out now?
Copier: Sure...
ERROR PAPER JAM
Copier: ... well... I don't really want to anymore. Sorry!
God I hate women.
Example: My campus newspaper did a piece on the three different eating options we have on campus. When they talked about the awful prices at one place, they said that soup there costs $3. That is a lie. I eat the soup and it costs like $1.75. It's one of the cheapest things they sell. Now, why would you lie about the price of something when most of your audience will probably know that you're lying? Tsk.
Today I went to talk to my academic advisor, who is from Pakistan. I think she's funny as hell because... well, because she gets my jokes. I also think it's funny that when I have nothing to say, I can just repeat her name a few times for no reason at all and it's not strange. Why do I do this? Because her name sounds cool. Oh Shahnaz, you advising fiend.
Last year I accidentally suggested that she got smashed at a bar with her coworkers and got hit on. I'm not sure how someone can accidentally suggest something like that, but I tend to ramble long enough while I'm talking that, if left unchecked, my words turn into monstrous creations I can no longer control.
Oh, don't worry about punishing me. After meeting with Shahnaz (Oh Shahnaz, you trickster), she asked me if I could help her do something. Since I'm probably one of her more irritating students, I said "sure!". Photocopying, after all, is not rocket science.
But, that's a lie. Photocopying IS rocket science. I photocopied for an hour and a half before the copier turned into a woman. Dealing with a photocopier made me feel like a man trying to communicate with a woman. We may verbally speak the same language, but that doesn't always help too much. Since I'm fluent in photocopy, I'll translate some of my conversation with the photocopier:
Me: C'mon baby, just do what I say and I'll treat you real good
Copier: I'd love to!
ERROR PAPER JAM
Me: What's wrong, baby? You know I love you.
Copier: Do you? Claudine told me you say the same things to her
Me: What?! That's crazy talk, baby. You know you're the only one. What can I do to fix it?
Copier: Money?
Me: NO
Copier: Dammit. Just go down there and fiddle with that... more on the left... yeah, that's good.
Me: Okay. Now can I put this in so we can finish this up?
Copier: Sure...
ERROR PAPER JAM
Me: What the hell!
Copier: I wasn't done. Go more to the right. Yeah, that's good.
Me: Okay are you all done?
Copier: Yeah.
Me: Can you help me out now?
Copier: Sure...
ERROR PAPER JAM
Copier: ... well... I don't really want to anymore. Sorry!
God I hate women.
posted by Jen Johnson at
5:36 PM
4 Comments:
L12 as much as you have great observations and wonderful wit, I don't think you should ever apply as a clerk at law firms. The first task they have you do is copy documents: complaints, letters, pleadings, etc.
Now since, Ripsy is off the mark in her suggestion, I'm going to share with you how to win over a copy machine.
It's a little like some dates that are reluctant to go too far. So what you have to do is give the copy machine some MANUAL DEXTERITY. They just love that!!! It seems that when you work some magic with your fingers they seem to do anything you want. I can't tell you the number of 100 page depositions that I have had the copy machine copy for me in my 14 yrs. as a paralegal. (Damn, according to one of Ripsy's posts, she was in grade school when I first started working at law firms)
At first they were reluctant and gave the same kind of messages that you did. Then after a little finger magic, everything went swimmingly! I just love a job well done!
By
Qualityservice44, at 6:43 AM
Vince, I'm not saying you're at all wrong. But this bitch copier had received a LOT of manual dexterity. Like, over and over again. I think maybe she had been on too many dates that day if you get my drift...
Because I don't want to think that manual dexterity is one of my skills that needs work.
By
Jen Johnson, at 12:02 PM
ok, some copy machines aren't worth a damn and you ran into one of them. most of the comment was for humor's sake, (like r's) so this is one of those rare times I wasn't trying to be earnest.
I really do like using manual dexterity, however.
By
Qualityservice44, at 5:01 PM
Well Vince, that is good to know. And don't think I didn't appreciate your humor. I think the copier may just have whored herself out enough to get an STD. But, as they say in grade school, don't hate the player; hate the game.
By
Jen Johnson, at 6:38 PM
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