The toilet isn't working means "I took a huge dump"

I know what you're thinking: I talk about myself too much on this blog. It's true. So this post will be dedicated to my roommate, who I will refer to as A-hole for the remainder of the entry.

Last Friday, I became aware of the fact that the toilet closest to my room was clogged. We women use a code phrase: "The toilet doesn't work." That's right, we don't tell the truth and just say "There is a big ball of POOP in the toilet and some toilet paper and piss too", we pretend that no one crapped in the first place and there is simply 'something' wrong with the bathroom.

So I wasn't shocked when I forgot that the toilet wasn't "working" and made for the bathroom only to find a bunch of poo in the toilet. Not a little bit of poo, either; I promise you it was a bunch. The only reason this is important is because it was a Friday night. Maintenance had been called, but had not come to "fix" the toilet, which meant that the toilet would remain clogged all weekend. In my mind it was rather ridiculous that maintenance had to be called just because someone took a dump and it didn't flush the first time, seeing as how we have a plunger. But it wasn't my feces, so I wasn't too keen on problem solving.

Now, I suppose this is where the quantity of poo becomes important, because this doesn't usually happen. But over the weekend, the smell of this shit became so awful that the entire hall smelled like ass vomit. And there are three bedroom doors right next to the bathroom. You could even smell it in the kitchen. While preparing rapidly unappetizing food. You see my point.

Why does this have to do with my roommate? Because I'm 99% sure she was the shitter. My reason for suspecting this is that this (Monday) morning, I woke up as she was about to go take a shower. She made a comment about not wanting to shower there because of the smell, and I said

"It's ridiculous that people think they need to call maintenance just because the toilet is clogged. We have a plunger." It makes even more sense to use a plunger because we're girls - calling maintenance and leaving pungent crap in a toilet for three days means you're admitting that you have bodily functions that involve your asshole.

Her response was
"I've never had to use a plunger before. The problem is the pipes here; they just don't flush everything. It's the pipes."

Not only does this incriminate her (she did not deny being the pooper as any female would have done) but it also makes her seem like a spoiled retard.

My advice to her: 1) Figure out how to use a plunger. 2) Don't blame pipes when you take a dump that doesn't fit. 3) Don't make the rest of us suffer immensely while you go home for the weekend to a poo-free environment.