Oh quotes, be good to me

Economics
This girl who always brings her lunch to class (I hate it) had a soda bottle that was clear with some yellow-ish drink in it. In the middle of his sentence about economics, my teacher stops and says "... I hope this is not what I think it is..."
The girl responded "It's not beer."

Art History
Similarly, my teacher stopped in mid-sentence to say: "Did I do my little dance of the arch yet? No? *puts up hands* I am a dome!"

Filmmaking
Teacher: "What would be the sources of light in this scene?"
Student: "Well, does one of you have an after-sex glow or something?"

It's not rape if she doesn't let you rape her

I like the school I'm at. I think the more people I hear bitching about it, the more I like it. Because those people are wrong.

Example: My campus newspaper did a piece on the three different eating options we have on campus. When they talked about the awful prices at one place, they said that soup there costs $3. That is a lie. I eat the soup and it costs like $1.75. It's one of the cheapest things they sell. Now, why would you lie about the price of something when most of your audience will probably know that you're lying? Tsk.

Today I went to talk to my academic advisor, who is from Pakistan. I think she's funny as hell because... well, because she gets my jokes. I also think it's funny that when I have nothing to say, I can just repeat her name a few times for no reason at all and it's not strange. Why do I do this? Because her name sounds cool. Oh Shahnaz, you advising fiend.

Last year I accidentally suggested that she got smashed at a bar with her coworkers and got hit on. I'm not sure how someone can accidentally suggest something like that, but I tend to ramble long enough while I'm talking that, if left unchecked, my words turn into monstrous creations I can no longer control.

Oh, don't worry about punishing me. After meeting with Shahnaz (Oh Shahnaz, you trickster), she asked me if I could help her do something. Since I'm probably one of her more irritating students, I said "sure!". Photocopying, after all, is not rocket science.

But, that's a lie. Photocopying IS rocket science. I photocopied for an hour and a half before the copier turned into a woman. Dealing with a photocopier made me feel like a man trying to communicate with a woman. We may verbally speak the same language, but that doesn't always help too much. Since I'm fluent in photocopy, I'll translate some of my conversation with the photocopier:

Me: C'mon baby, just do what I say and I'll treat you real good
Copier: I'd love to!
ERROR PAPER JAM
Me: What's wrong, baby? You know I love you.
Copier: Do you? Claudine told me you say the same things to her
Me: What?! That's crazy talk, baby. You know you're the only one. What can I do to fix it?
Copier: Money?
Me: NO
Copier: Dammit. Just go down there and fiddle with that... more on the left... yeah, that's good.
Me: Okay. Now can I put this in so we can finish this up?
Copier: Sure...
ERROR PAPER JAM
Me: What the hell!
Copier: I wasn't done. Go more to the right. Yeah, that's good.
Me: Okay are you all done?
Copier: Yeah.
Me: Can you help me out now?
Copier: Sure...
ERROR PAPER JAM
Copier: ... well... I don't really want to anymore. Sorry!

God I hate women.

Can you Google "fuck you!" for me please?

I work in the library. It's a cushy, information desk job that allows me to make $8/hour while I surf the internet. Every once in a while, someone brightens my shift by asking me a question that makes me curious about their mental capacity.

For instance, I often (at least once a week) get someone who says to me "I don't know how to search on the library catalogue, can you show me how?" My instinct is to tell them no, it's an incredibly difficult tool to use and I still have not figured it out. But instead I end up getting up and doing all their work for them. These must be people who have never done anything for themselves in their lives. Did they even try anything first before asking me? No. Get some soul, people!

Then there's the lady who tries to make me sign her up for a Yahoo! email account. I'm not sure why she didn't care that I would know her password and email preferences, but I flatly refused.

Finally, there's the trillion year old Latin teacher (henceforth known as Professor Mentally Ill) who comes in to the library during almost every one of my shifts. The first time he did, he just breezed by me and said "I don't know how to search on Google. Do a search on Google for [I forget what]." What?! You know that you want to use google, and you know what you want to type in. You can't just DO it??? How does a man who can't do a simple internet search get paid to be a professor?!

I looked the stuff up for him. During my next shift, he made me look up something else (equally absurd, I assure you) and then print something for him. After it printed, I was fed up enough that I refused to go get the paper that had printed. I am NOT his maid. But my coworker, Brian, got it for him. So Professor Mentally Ill is still a king.

Last night at the library, I was working with Brian, and PMI comes in and snoops around the library and sits in the back like he owns the place. After a while, Brian comes up to me with a paper that says:

"Hi L 12,
Professor Mentally Ill would like you to google the following:

1. American History from 1876 to 1976. (What happened?)
2. Virgil's Aeneid and its influence on NBC television movies.
3. The Mighty Jennifers: (Aniston, Lopez, and Gartner).
4. Why exactly did Brad leave Jen? (in 10 words or less)"

I sat there with the paper, shaking my head. What, the, fuck! This guy was crazy.

That's when Brian told me that it was a joke and he actually wrote the note. THEN it was just funny. Why? Because not only did I believe that PMI wanted me to look up those absurd things, but because it didn't seem unreasonable that PMI would ask me to under normal circumstances.

Mmmm, quotes

You know you love them:

Economics
- "In the interest of the fact that I realize that you guys are human beings..." (he gave us an extension on our papers. I have reason to believe he forgot about our humanity because he is non-human.)

Art History
- "He doesn't want his clothes because they were cheap... from the Gap 2 or something."
- (Responding to the lateness of a student) "Mr. Pierce, thank you very much, please show up on time, or I'll have to kill you!"
- (Another threat to a late student...) "Under this yuppie exterior lurks a true Sicilian... so you can count on me to make good on threats."
- (About sports) "Anyone who gets money to bounce a ball, I'll be interested."
- Conversation between amongst students:
Him: "If I'm going to miss a class, it should be today because people will think I'm atoning" (Jewish holiday)
Me: "Atoning... for missing this class?"

Filmmaking
- "I'm gonna be in the dean's office... she doesn't call and say 'I need to see you in my office;' she says 'Cookie, how you doin;?' I don't take that sweet shit, I'm from the hood. I walk in her office and say 'What it is!?!'"

Men dressing up as women making out with men

Sometimes this school sucks. A lot. Like when maintenance doesn't fix your broken bathroom door, or when people are unnecessarily unfriendly, or when you feel so bogged down with homework that you can't do anything fun and you want to strangle yourself (or your books).

Then there are times when this school is absolutely wonderful. Like last night. The school used to be a haven for crazy artsy people, raging homosexuals, and party animals '60's style (think free lovin'). Now it's a haven for upper-middle class posers who think a degree from here means they will get ahead somehow. Or people who have a hard-on for spending their parents' money.

Last night was a good example of what I wish the school never stopped being. The little tradition of Cross Dress Cabaret was a good start. Men dressing up as women, lip synching to lady songs, donning fabulous dresses with shaved legs and plenty of eye makeup. Women in suit and ties, humping men who are obviously uninterested but will play with a woman's rack on stage all in good fun. Should not every night include a little cross dressing?

Since the women in my house got into the spirit and dressed up (not as men, but as sexified women), I followed their example without knowing that the vast majority of the audience would be wearing regular peoples' clothing. *sigh*

Anyway, standing around outside after the show brought a party invitation, which I took up since there was nothing else going on that sounded interesting. Now, as I arrived at the party, the one person there who I knew was leaving, and the rest of the people in the party were fabulous gay men and combat-boot-style lesbians. But hey, I'm game.

So I walk in and hope that my scandalous outfit (thigh highs, garters, short shorts, a bra and an open jacket) will help me fit in, despite my straightness. I think it helped. What's amazing is that the fabulous gay boys talked to the obviously straight people who were crashing their party, offered up drugs, and were generally fabulous. It may sound silly, but I had so much fun people-watching that I didn't care about the lack of straight men. And who doesn't love watching a hott gay boy in a dress I couldn't pull off make out with the entire room? Oh, the charsima of the cross dressin' seniors.

Having a pet is a full-time responsibility

I met this boy a while ago when I was drunk, and for some reason we exchanged phone numbers. Whenever I run into him at school, we stop and say hi, then say we'll call each other sometime and hang out when something's going on.

Last night I went over to a friend's place and they said they were trying to start a party, so we should all call everybody and tell them to come over. First of all, I knew I would be looking super un-cool if I didn't have anyone to invite (all my good friends had either gone home for the night or were already with me) and second of all... well I didn't want to be the girl who says she'll call and then doesn't call. So I call this guy, Puppypants, and tell him there's going to be a party and he should come.

Puppypants comes and if his name doesn't give this away, he basically followed me around like a little puppy. I get that I invited him and he probably didn't really know anyone else, but I had no interest in tending to the puppy when I was actually having real conversations with people. He basically needed my full attention, which I never really gave him. Here's how he tried to get it:

- Asking me to make him a drink (Be a man; get it yourself)
- Asking me to dance while I'm in the middle of a conversation
- Asking me to dance two seconds after I just said I would when I was done talking
- Sitting on the floor in front of me and putting his head on my knee (like a PUPPY)
- Asking if he could sit on my lap

All this said, I feel bad for him... but maybe I'm tired of having to deal with people like that. If anyone gets to be annoying and beg for attention, it should be ME.

Also at said party I lost one of my fiances :( (But got a new one too)

Quotes of the week

Economics
- "The central bank is... a chariot on these wild horses... and the charioteer? Um, you know, the guy on the chariot"
- "I have something fun for you, and that's your assignment"
- (A student): "The IMF thinks that social programs are like giving candy to a baby, not like giving baby food to a baby."

Art History
- "The knights of joy is not a gospel group."
- (Paraphrasing a religious figure in the Bible) "My child leaps for joy in the womb"
Student: "Ouch!"
- "Here is the devil, as you can see, consuming and shitting."
- "It (the Garden of Eden) could be like the Playboy mansion... with no silicone."

Life in General:
Granny (singing): "I break horses..."
Me: "Did you just say 'I rape horses?'"

A link and some quotes

This is a hot hot site that I heart heart. Look at it, because if you don't you'll be sorry (that might be a threat, or just a friendly suggestion).

http://chasecuts.blogspot.com

Now, I have taken to writing down some quotes during class. Similar to note-taking, but somehow I find this more educational. Why? Because it makes me pay attention more. Anyhow, one of my teachers isn't that funny but that's okay. I get to make jokes at him, not the other way around as with some of my teachers... sad face. If I get enough quotes I'll start doing this every week.

Art History
- "We will start on time. That is my goal in life." (I think he was serious. I would pity him, but his life goals are easy!!)
- "Who made purgatory? I don't think it was like a chain gang from 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?'"
- "Splendor comes not as a dietic supplement..."
- "If someone bites their thumb at you, you have to kill them on site like a gangster rapper."
- "If you drink the water in Florence [in the Renaissance], not only do you get dysentery, you get artistic brilliance!"

Here is a brief conversation I had with him in front of class...
Him: "L 12 are you here today?"
Me: "Right here"
Him: "Oh, I keep looking up there for some reason."
Me: "That's where I sat the first week of class. I moved so I could be closer to you"
Him and class laugh and interpret that to mean I have a crush on the teacher. End scene

Filmmaking
- "There's nothing more truthful than losing a sock."
- "You're so stupid you probably had to study for your pap test."
- (In reference to pirated software): "It wasn't stolen! It was liberated!"

Economics
- "If a bank wants you as a customer they do all those things, you know, like give you special donuts or whatever."

I'm so glad to be in college and not surrounded by idiots... yeah, about that...

M'kay, so let me explain something. I have a very common first name, and a very common last name. I have never minded that before. It's perfect because here at school, we have email accounts that are made from your first name and your last name. I have no problem with that. If my name is say, Jane Doe, my email address should be jdoe@college.edu. But what happens if there is a John Doe? His email should be jdoe@college.edu too, right? So you take Jane's middle name, Skencrapadore, and make her email jsdoe@college.edu. Some people might not think about this and end up sending some of Jane's email to John. Who cares? Not me.

However, over the last year, I've discovered that a LOT of my mail has gone to John. And it's always the important email about classes or work. For instance, I found out a week ago that I have not been receiving any emails whatsoever from my employer at the library, who was possibly in shock when I told them that my email was NOT jdoe@college.edu. Whatever, right? Well when I made it into Senate (yay, I made it!) I received an email that said congrats, training is on Saturday 10am-5pm, we'll let you know more in our next email. ... On Saturday morning, I still had not received that next email. ?! So I got ready for training, made a couple calls, and ran around campus for two hours before I found out that training had been cancelled. What?! Fine... So I emailed the Senate people and told them, my email is jsdoe@college.edu, and I did not get your emails before and I would appreciate if you would change my email address in your records so I can get your emails. This person wrote me back, apologizing and letting me know that they would correct the problem.

Then, last night (Friday), I found out simply by luck because I ran into someone, that training is today. What? I didn't get an email... um... so this nice person told me they would email me the information.

Look, it's an honest mistake. But when somebody writes, on a form, that their email address is jsdoe@college.edu, why in all hell would you email them at jdoe@college.edu?! Can you read? I am NOT impressed.