Chillow cools your hotflash!

Visiting my dad for Thanksgiving, we were waiting for a prescription to be filled at the drugstore, and so I sat down on the leather chair pimped out in an automatic massager. As I relaxed, I looked at the displays around me. Thankfully, there was a whole stack of massagers, slippers, and other equally comforting products. My favorite was

"Chillow cools your pillow...
and your
HEAD
BACK
HOTFLASH
SUNBURN
FEET
& MORE"

Wait, wha? Chillow cools my hotflash? I didn't even know I was having those! Wow, what a relief. But my favorite part is that "HOTFLASH" is slipped into the middle of the other objects that Chillow can cool. You know that the people who designed this didn't just roll these out in this order. They probably thought

"head, back, feet... hm... hotflash? hahaha... well, I guess Chillow could cool a hot flash. And not only will suffering menopausal women want to buy it, but their husbands will buy it for them to get them to shut the hell up with their bitching. I guess we'd better put another ailment in there so hot flash isn't the odd one out. Sunburn."

I wish Chillow didn't tell us that we could use it for more than just those five things. Otherwise my ex roommate from last year might not have used it to chill her ticker and become such a cold-hearted bitch.

Coca cola supports fellatio

This was a poster made by Coke that had to be recalled because of its risque content... I love artists :)

Tips for Cabbage Patch dolls

Thank GOODNESS I ran into this blog today: http://culazy05.blogspot.com/

"One of the good things about the internet is the massive load of information available on almost any subject, like computers. The problem of course is that when you start trying to find specific information about boys gymnastics gear it can be hard to sort out the good boys gymnastics gear information from the bad boys gymnastics gear information."

I have to admit, I was getting worried that the internet was lying about gymnastics gear.

But you know what else I've been really curious about? Cabbage patch boy dolls.

"The Internet is a niche market ripe for Ezines on cabbage patch boy dolls. A cabbage patch boy dolls Ezine may include tips, articles or relevant information on cabbage patch boy dolls."

Tips on cabbage patch boy dolls? Why of course! Like, what to feed them, what to do when they get cranky, etc. You know, cabbage patch boy dolls are NOT like regular babies - or even regular dolls for that matter. Did you know, for example, that when a cabbage patch doll is hungry or thirsty, the correct thing to do is to beat them into silence? You are not to feed them or offer them drink until they have a fat lip and broken rib.




This cabbage patch boy is ready for snack! -->

Men should be seen and not heard

So I have this friend, let's call him Bitch and Moan (BM for short). He is constantly bitching and moaning about how much he wants a relationship but all girls want from him is sex, sex, sex. And then he decided, never mind! He wants to lose his virginity before he turns 19. But he still bitches about the "insane" girls here and how fucked up everyone is. I think that's a grand exaggeration - the fucked up people are pretty easy to avoid, especially if you're like BM and rarely leave your room. Here is a conversation we had online today - it illustrates the reasoning behind his nickname as well as the perils of what I have to endure every time I talk to him.

BM: do me a favor. find me a sane, cute, and at least relatively funny girlfriend before the end of the year.
BM: i'll try to find you a boy. my job's significantly harder, so give me till the end of the school year
BM: i'd recommend lesbianism, but you're liable to run into the same kinds of people i've been running into.
Me: UGHHGHGHGH
Me: there are cute sane girls everywhere, they just dont live in your building
Me: and setting people up doesnt work all that well
BM: sure it does
BM: i've never tried, but i'd like to meet a girl that way at least once
BM: at least you'd know she's sane before i start talking to her
BM: sanity + attractiveness is ridiculously rare
Me: ugh
Me: you're such a whiner
BM: meh, let me whine
BM: do you know any girls who'd be interested in me?
Me: no
Me: i dont like a lot of girls in general
Me: if i'm friends with a girl i approve of her. and i'm not friends with a lot of girls
BM: yet i'm supposed to be able to find one
BM: you have like 4 friends
BM: (no offense)
Me: i know that
Me: because i dont LIKE other girls
BM: alright, point taken.
...
BM: eh, i know everybody...i just don't trust them.
BM: well, not everybody, but a good portion of everybody
BM: people up here are shit, so it's better to keep them at arm's length [I bet that's where you want your girlfriend to be...]
Me: see, you should lower your standards
Me: people up here are not shit.
BM: i think my standards are low enough
Me: you are mean
BM: the good girls i know here are either taken or go for assholes
Me: well stop being so impatient
BM: fuck patience, i've been patient for long enough
BM: i'm trying to keep some bearing on who i really am
BM: which amounts to looking for a stable relationship
Me: no it doesnt
BM: yeah, it does
Me: it's not about having a stable relationship
Me: a relationship shouldnt "complete" you or be what makes you happy, you should be happy on your own before you even have the relationship
BM: that's bullshit
BM: we're human. by nature social animals. the desire for companionship is innate[...blah blah, he goes on forever.]
Me: we're social animals but that doesnt mean you need to have a ROMANTIC relationship or COMPANION
BM: i'd like to have something more meaningful than a friendship
BM: though friendship in itself is difficult in this shithole
BM: it's like a personality wasteland
Me: this place is NOT that retarded
BM: fucking shit, this place is that retarded.
BM: by the end of four years at this place, i'm gonna be fucking psychotic. tant amount to a north easterner, but that's basically the same thing.
...
BM: anyway, find me a girl
BM: i'm not that bad, am i?
Me: i dont set people up
Me: all you do is bitch about how crappy everyone is. if you stop being negative people might be like "that BM guy is really awesome!" instead of "man, that BM guy hates everyone"
BM: fuck that, i only talk to people who want to talk to me [Now that's a great way to meet potential girlfriends]
Me: ok that could also be where you're going wrong
Me: and that could be why the only girls who you talk to are skanky hoes

... What?! I'm a bitch.

I don't wanna grow up, cause baby if I did, I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid

How is my film going, you ask?

Well, since you asked, I'll share a little anecdote with you.

My film is a mockumentary (a la Best in Show, etc.) about my school. It depicts students being hit by water balloons from a moving vehicle, scantily clad students drinking heavily, a teacher teaching a student how to roll a joint... The person I use to play the teacher is my film teacher. We got some footage on Wednesday, and afterwards I gave everyone cupcakes. When I called her the next day to confirm the follow-up shoot, she said a lot of nice things about my film... and then spent about ten minutes asking me why she only got one cupcake. What? Here's how the conversation went:

Her: "I thought they were all for me!"
Me: "Well... they werent. I couldn't only give you cupcakes, there were other people helping me!"
Her: "Yeah well I thought they were all for me and I got really upset when I saw other people taking MY cupcakes. After you left, I had a meltdown. I had to get Fred to calm me down!"
Me: "I'm sorry. I didn't know you wanted so many cupcakes. But you'll get more, I mean we're not even done filming yet."
Her: "But I was really upset"
Me: "It's going to be ok. I couldn't only give you cupcakes."
Her: "I don't care about the other people, I care about my cupcakes."
Me: "Unghghngh"

... This is a teacher. This is my teacher. I think she may just be a Toys R Us kid, because she sure as hell hasn't grown up.

Sometimes the only notes I write in class are quotes

Art History
- "I don't know if it's dot com or dot org or dot... friend..."
- *turns on lights* "Ah! I can see again! Helen Keller no longer!"
- "If I were going to Austria, I'd be smiling now. But I'm going to Little Rock, Arkansas."
- "Those of you who turned your papers in on time, you're going to get a gold star. No, I'm serious. I'm going to go buy gold stars and put them on your papers."
- Student: "Joe, are you on DayQuil?"
Teacher: "No, I'm just trying to get through the day."
- "I know I created the environment, but I have to turn into an adult." (Or just go to Neverland? ehh?)
- "We have a lot to do today. And we're going to do it all. You may say 'No, Joe, it's too much - your voice, the material...' But I'm going to do it all."
- "This is like warm-up, it's like the Tonight show"
- "It turned out that there were NINE quattro senati, not four."
- *student's phone rings* "Ah, a former student calling to complain!"
- *slide doesn't show up* "One hopes there is a reason it is not coming forward..."
- *new slide, long pause* "Um... hopefully I have something interesting to say..."
- "My brother is a moderate Republican. There still are those, but he is one of six."

Economics
- Me: "Jamee, are we going to have another paper?"
Teacher: "Yes. Due Monday"
Me: "No... me equal sign [puts hands in 'equal sign' position] serious."
Teacher: "Ok, it's assigned on Monday, due after Thanksgiving."
Me: "Can we do our conference papers instead?"
Teacher: "No."
Me: "Can we do it instead of our conference papers?"
Teacher: "No... me equal sign [hands] serious."
-Teacher: "People try to make all kinds of correlations! The number of marriages in New York City and the production of bananas in Bolivia..."
Student: "Seriously?!"
Teacher: "... no... but... stuff like that"

Kodak moments

Life experience #1:
Setting: bathroom
Object: contacts case
Unpleasant surprise: A pubic hair (probly not mine)

Life experience #2:
Setting: different bathroom
Object: toilet flusher
Unpleasant surprise: Liquid on said toilet flusher that yes, I did touch

Life experience #3:
Setting: my dream last night
Object: cute gay boy
Unpleasant surprise: waking up and realizing I made out with cute gay boy in my dream; seeing cute gay boy and waving at him, not getting a wave back

Life experience #4:
Setting: my dream 2 nights ago
Object: The Hot Librarian
Unpleasant surprise: waking up and realizing that THL does NOT live upstairs in my house and she will NOT be helping me with my film. Also, feeling like a big stalker

Life experience #5:
Setting: my film shoot
Object: rolling papers
Unpleasant surprise: finding out there are not enough rolling papers to complete the shoot

Wikipedia, you are so beautiful to me

Last night, in the midst of some relaxing cocaine snorting, I heard my companions say "Wikipedia says that if you put coke on the end of your cigarette filter, it will numb the back of your throat as you smoke. Let's try it!" I love that the internet is giving us lovely kids tips on different ways to use drugs. I, however, don't smoke cigarettes and wasn't about to start (irony? Surely not).

I've decided as of late that Wikipedia should probably be promoted and described as one of my best friends. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling and makes me feel powerful. It tells me like it is.

After becoming aware of the many helpful recreational uses of Wikipedia, I decided to look up some other drugs to see what I could find out.

Search for "Botox", you get "Botulin toxin". This is some serious shit. I mean, the drug that gets pumped into ladies' faces all the time? Yeah, I knew it could be dangerous, but check this out:
- "It is possibly the most toxic substance known, with a lethal dose of about 200-300 pg/kg, meaning that somewhat over a hundred grams could kill every human living on the earth."
Now, do you like conspiracy theories? Me too:
- "in 1961, the CIA prepared some cigars of Fidel Castro's favorite brand which had been saturated with botulinum toxin, for the possibility of an assassination attempt."
If only 100 grams could kill the entire human population, I'm not sure why saturating the cigar was necessary. Unless they think Fidel is more than just one man. Or does it reflect the gravity of his threat? Or was the CIA trying to kill ALL Cubans?

If you look up cocaine, you can learn a little bit about capitalism:
- "When the Spaniards conquered South America, they at first ignored Aboriginal claims that the leaf gave them strength and energy, and declared the practice of chewing it the work of the Devil. But after discovering that these claims were true, they legalized and taxed the leaf... These taxes were for a time the main source of support for the Roman Catholic Church in the region"
Interesting... the leaf is no longer the work of the devil, but something that can support the Church! And so it began... but while many praised coca leaves, they didn't create quite the craze that some were looking for. Luckily, we can thank Angelo Mariani for solving this dilemma:
- "A chemist named Angelo Mariani who read Mantegaza’s paper became immediately intrigued with coca, and its economic potential"
Thank goodness. In case you think cocaine is on the decline, do not fear.
- "The estimated U.S. cocaine market exceeded $35 billion in street value for the year 2003, exceeding revenues by corporations such as AT&T and Starbucks."

So next time you get all uppity about corporations or monopolies, just snort some cocaine (or smoke it, or inject it, or eat it) and chill out. It's going to be okay.

Sometimes I question your committment to Sparkle Motion

So I went to a play today, because one of my housemates is in it. I realized that I had no idea what the play was about only when the lights dimmed and the first words were spoken in an Irish accent. Followed by the whole entire play.

It's interesting also to see what happens when you wait after the performance for the actors to come out so you can congratulate them. For instance, after my housemate came out, she ran towards me and the other housemates... and hugged the guy standing next to us. Oh. Well, he's her friend visiting from another school so I guess that's understandable. And then she went over to talk to some other friends... and THEN gave us some quick hugs before returning back to her other friends.

This may not have been so painful if the friends weren't incredible eye candy gay boys from the aforementioned Cross Dress Cabaret and afterparty. And I was too shy (starstruck? yes) to say hello... And if I hadn't had a dream last night about having a four inch double chin...

Now, since school is about learning, let's crunch some numbers:

Number of dinners I ate today: 0
Number of cookies I ate today: 4+
Estimated amount of cookie dough I ate today: 1/4 cup
Number of donuts I ate today: 1
Number of times I yelled at my roommate for no good reason: at least 6
Dollars spent in the last 2 days on food: 70
Free pot consumed yesterday: 6 hits
Number of sentences I didn't bother finishing: about 11
Hours of homework done in the past 2 days: .25

I should expect costumes, this is college!

Since I go to a small, liberal arts school whose students think they're "different" and "out there," I was surprised that when I came here, I didn't see too many "different" kids. Sure, there's a group of kids who wear black clothing and there are some kids who think they're deeply troubled but artistically brilliant... but we had those in high school, too. And, as in high school, the punked out kids, the gay kids, and the artsy kids all have their own lunch tables. Y'know, like in Mean Girls.

I guess I shouldn't be talking. I'm one of those "normal" kids who seem to be taking over the school. (When I say normal, I mean that I look normal. Most of the time. I think I compensate for this by acting extremely abnormally.)

However, it is a testament to the somewhat strangeness (at least the professed strangeness) of the kids who go here that when I saw kids walking around campus with bright wigs, painted faces, and strange, clashing clothing, I thought to myself "Well, I shouldn't be surprised, after all, this place is different from most" instead of "It's Halloween."

Good job, self.