Take the good with the bad

Precious moment: waking up and realizing with joy that tap water is FREE

Places I did not throw up
- A toilet
- Someone's bed

Places I did throw up
- A sink (it didn't drain very well...)
- My friend's yard

Slummin' it

Having spent about three days at Mr. Boyfriend's apartment (that he shares with three other boys), I realized something.

Boys aren't necessarily messier than girls, but knowing that it's a guy's place automatically makes everything seem dirtier. Even if I was in a million dollar condo, if it was owned by a bunch of boys, I'd still be slummin' it.

Oh, and is it bad that I like Mr. Boyfriend's family more than I like my own? Sad face...

He needs to be mushroom slapped

Anyone remember my friend BM (Bitch and Moan)? Yeah, well. He's an idiot. You know those people who are amazing and make you think "How are they so freaking awesome?" Yeah, well he's the kind of person who makes you think "Is it possible to be this stupid?"

BM: i was in the mall by my house thinking about what i'm going to do with my life, and i realized something
BM: i've never had a blonde girlfriend.
Me: LOL
BM: now that i'm leaving [our school], i know that that's what i'm looking for.
BM: i'm going to a school with a lot of blondes.
Me: what...
Me: the fuck
BM: blondes and sun.
BM: and beef.
BM: and less people who drink tea.
BM: fuck i hate tea.
Me: ok but blondes?
Me: i'm disappointed, BM
BM: what?
BM: i've only been with brunettes
Me: that is the most retarded thing i've ever heard in my entire LIFE
BM: eh. i want a change.
Me: ok that's fine but do you have to pick your school based on the hair color of women you'd like to date?
Me: there are plenty of blondes almost everywhere you go
BM: well, that, the psych department, its location, the cost, and the availability of resources around it.
BM: but i'll be looking for blondes too.
Me: wow
Me: you
Me: suck
BM: what?
Me: ugh
Me: i hope you get mushroom slapped
BM: 0o
BM: not something i hear every day...
Me: weird, i would have thought it would be
BM: why's that?
Me: because you really need to be mushroom slapped!
BM: ick.
BM: and c'mon. blondes aren't bad.
BM: i'd just like to pay attention them for once.
BM: i just feel like i'm missing out.
BM: i'm in a rut.
BM: the only girls i've ever been with have been brunettes.
Me: it's HAIR COLOR
BM: it's hair color.
Me: HAIR COLOR
BM: hair color
Me: *mushroom slap*

Oh. my. god.

I'd like to establish that I am a victim before I say anything else. You know when you wake up and go back to sleep and then dream about the last thing you remember?

I woke up and gave Mr. Boyfriend a handjob. During this time, my dad called on my cell phone (no, I didn't answer, shut up).

I went back to sleep and dreamt that I gave a handjob to my dad.

I think I'm going to go take twenty showers. *sob*

The Company Bitch

For those of you who like laughter and office stories...

http://thecompanybitch.blogspot.com

has been added to my links list as well. Enjoy!

Puppie poo to the rescue!!

A few days before I left for college my freshman year, my mother was pissing me off. In spite of the fact that I was a poor high school student, about to be a poor college student, my mom made me spend ridiculous amounts of money on things like shipping my bedding to my school because she didn't want to check 2 bags at the airport.

Then, approximately two days before I was going to leave, she had a fit and insisted that I get a passport. Not only that I get one, but that I pay for it myself. Passports cost about $80. Thanks, mom! The cherry on top was that I wouldn't even be able to see it before I left for college - they take about two weeks or so to process.

**

Now, me and Mr. Boyfriend are going to his apartment for a few days. He lives about 20 minutes from Canada, and since we can't legally drink in the U.S. but we can in Canada, he thought it would be fun to drive to Canada one night for a nice dinner or something (plus drinks of course). However, we weren't sure if it would be required to have a passport, since we heard that the border crossing rules were changing. Mr. Boyfriend doesn't have a passport, but I, of course, have one (thanks mom!).

So I called my mom to ask her where the passport was, and she goes "What passport?"

"The one I got before school started?!"

"Oh, you got a passport?"

"YES, don't you remember?"

"Hmm. Well, maybe it got sent to you."

"NO. It was sent to you. Where would it be?"

"Try looking in my office..."

So I look in her office, find a folder with her passport in it, but not mine. Then I see a folder marked with my name, so I open it and find a bunch of college paperwork, my birth certificate... well it seemed like I was getting closer. However, I did not find my passport in this folder. I did find old things from my childhood, including a bound story called "Puppie Poo to the Rescue!!"

Interesting that my mom keeps that but not my passport.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but word verification will never hurt me

Okay, so. I have a confession to make. I give in to peer pressure. Sex, drugs, blog changes... Like, really easily. In this case, just one peer. And one pressure:

"And can you please get rid of these damn word verification things? They force me to spend way more time on an insignificant comment than I would ever care to."

The only defense I have is that I waited over a month to cave in. But yeah, to sum up, I'm a wuss. Also, in my journeys I discovered that the commenter had reasons other than word verification forcing people to "spend way more time on an insignificant comment than I would ever care to." Excuse my idiocy, but word verifications are really really hard to figure out sometimes! They make me question my mastery of the alphabet, wonder if I know the difference between i's and j's...
I mean, c'mon, they look really similar! I'm not saying I messed up on this one. But I'm not saying I got it right, either. I am saying that when you figure out which ones are j's and which are i's, you realize that it basically says Jizz PJ. Don't get all upset at me for misplacing the i and adding a z; get upset with the little fucker for talking about your PJs like that!!

You go ahead and believe it's a coincidence, but I cannot do so. Because as soon as you laugh at its little insults, the word verification thinger mocks you. No joke, it sounds just like me:I mean, people make fun of me for my strange noises, but a computer? It's time to draw the line.

Topless in the library

My school is a little intense with the schoolwork. Therefore, last night being the night before final papers were due for the ENTIRE campus, the library open 24 hours, I sat in my chair with my coffee and my diet coke and my adderall, typing away in the company of a buttload of people.

I glanced up, and out of the corner of my eye, noticed a couple of guys at computers in the next room without their shirts on. Huh? Well, whatever... I went back to writing my paper.

I glanced up again, and to my surprise, a guy was walking by without a shirt or pants (just boxers). Um... maybe they're trying to relax? I went back to writing my paper.

I glanced up again, and to my utter amusement, the senior class president was standing up with a pot of coffee, completely topless. I laughed a little and wondered if maybe there was E in everyone's computers over there...

Today I found out that they were playing strip study. When someone finishes writing a page, they call it out and everyone else playing has to take off an article of clothing. The person who finished the page gets to put an article back on.

I hope their papers were... revealing... hah... wow, lame.

I want to play with the cool kids, too!

As I mentioned in my post about politics, I am not particularly well acquainted with the inner workings of the outer world. I get sucked into this strange-but-lovely (and by lovely I mean suffocating and terrifying) world where cowboy boots with leg warmers, tights, and a miniskirt are "cool", nudity in public is OK, men wearing eyeliner is NOT weird, and reading Mein Kampf is not strange. Is it the same in the outside world, with the "regular" people?

When I wonder this, I get a vision of carrying a little copy of Mein Kampf into the workplace, and seeing people get visibly uncomfortable when they find out what cute little book I brought to read during my lunch break. Of course, soon thereafter I am being carried to a pit of burning flames, and my screams of "I'm studying him for psychology!" are unheard. More disturbingly, in this scenario I will be saved by a group of people with bald heads led by Edward Norton.*

More importantly, does EVERY SINGLE PERSON on the outside own an iPod? I'm serious. Every single person here seems to own an iPod. When did it become unacceptable to walk from point A to point B and listen to the sweet, soft sounds of nature or cars passing by? When did it become cool to have headphones on at all times? Why don't I have one!!!

Actually, it's my own fault. My dad offered to get me an iPod for my birthday last year, and I said I'd rather get shoes. I think I was shunning the whole iPod thing as overrated, in the same vein as the unappreciated hype over Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. And the most uncool person who ever lived, my mother, owns an iPod. And she doesn't even know what they are! I also felt guilty because I didn't want my dad to spend a massive $400 for an iPod to make me happy. Luckily, I got shoes instead (these shoes are currently MIA. So... good choice, me!).

Now, what's really interesting is that my roommate, who is constantly complaining about how poor she is (not in the I'm-so-poor-I-can't-go-out-to-the-movies way, but in the my-family-is-so-poor-because-my-parents-are-starving-artists way) recently got the new video iPod. Are you kidding me?

I am so ready to chuck an iPod at someone's lame-ass head.

That blue thing is a fanny pack. Those are probably going to be cool at college soon, too.

* Need help with this reference?

I could feel it coming again: word vomit. No, this time it was real vomit.

All right, I think it's high time I wrote a post about a night of drunkenness! My school doesn't have a lot of big, badass parties but there are a lot of smaller, less badass parties. Last night, I decided at 2am that I wanted to go to a party and drink some alcohol. So I called a few people and showed up right as one party was ending... Then walked around looking for noisy people congregating outside in case there might be a party.

Luckily, I found one. I drank my forty and chatted with some people, but of course we soon got kicked out (it was probably almost 4 by this point). Well, of course I wasn't done. I went to my friend's room and drank some vodka from a water bottle. Hot tea is a pretty good chaser! Anyhow, the rest of this story is pretty hit or miss memory-wise, but I heard a lot of things that surprised me. I remember repeatedly telling people that the vodka tasted like Christmas. At some point, I was handed a piece of paper and a pen and told to write a letter to someone's boyfriend. Today, I read this "letter":

JORDAN SUCKS
HER BOYFRIEND:
I MISS OUR ANAL SEX IN THE GARDEN OF BEAUCRAGRY
U R MY VODKA WINE SPRITZER
I ALSO <3 (HEART) U LIKE WHOAH!!
U KNO U LOV (LUV) ME.
NEWAYS...
ALLEN GINSBERG = WURST WHORE = MIKE MINI BAZANGA!! (drawing of a cat)
<3 U LIKE WHOA
ALSO, MIKE = WAY INTO POETS WHO ARE WAY UNCOOL & ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS UM I FORGET & STUFF HE ROX. BUT POETRY WUTEV B/C DUDE
OK NEWAYS. HE should've useD MY STePDAD foR vietnam waR vets.
people @ school suck b/c they think they aRe cooLeR than me but they suck b/c they don't understand that they dont care about life but I, of course care about everyone who goes here & wish they were cooll cool

Luckily, soon after that I tried to show somebody the frown lines on my face and apparently started talking regardless of both whether other people were talking and whether anyone was listening to me. I then was led to Mike's bed by concerned people, where I proceeded to throw up on his bed, then started bawling, went to wash my hands and tried to make Jordan hug me. He refused. I got VERY upset when he refused, and my anger went something like this:

"We are both people! You are a person, and I am a person, and when you do things like this, you make me feel like I'm not a person! I have a seven inch penis!"

Impressive.

I then went back to Mike's bed, where I forced him to go to sleep RIGHT THAT INSTANT, without brushing his teeth or putting on pajamas. Finally, and equally embarrassingly, I fell asleep and snored for two hours so loud I almost shook the room.

Breaking news: Bush gives Lieberman oral sex "two thumbs way, way up"

Truly, honestly, seriously... I almost never read the newspaper. Or the magazines, like Business Week, or the New Yorker, or anything that people who are adults read. It is a sign of boring, awful maturity and adultness to do these things. And it is incredibly easy to be in college and isolate myself from the important/"important" events in the outside world. We don't have cable, we don't have parents around constantly talking about Iraq or taxes or healthcare or whatever...

So I was reading a little news, mostly out of guilt and the sudden concern that when I enter the non-college world during winter break, I will experience a culture shock of epic proportions (well... not epic, but pretty big anyway).

And I have to say, people who aren't in college are all pretty much stupid. And most people in college are, as well. Well, maybe all the smart people are just hiding and not publishing anything that regular, stupid people read. Why do I say this? Let me show you.

Joe Lieberman says: "It is time for Democrats who distrust President Bush to acknowledge that he will be commander in chief for three more critical years, and that in matters of war we undermine presidential credibility at our nation's peril"

Michael McCurry says: "They may not agree with him, but Democrats respect what he is saying. People know he's not playing politics with Iraq."

Associated Press says: "The Bush Administration, meanwhile, can't seem to get enough of the senator who has sided with the president on many foreign policy, defense and homeland security issues. Lieberman huddled with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at a private Pentagon breakfast meeting Thursday amid rumors he could be a potential Rumsfeld successor. Bush singled out Lieberman for praise in his two most recent speeches, including Wednesday in New York where he noted: 'Senator Lieberman is right.'"

I say: Mikey? You are without a doubt correct. Joe Lieberman is truly, honestly not playing politics. He just loves President Bush (y'know... in that special holding-hands way) and in the world of politics, presidential support from a democrat is akin to "making his move." Of course other democrats respect what he is saying, even though it is opposite from what they believe to be right and so obviously a way of getting Bush into bed. Who doesn't respect a man trying to fulfill his heart's desires at everyone else's expense?

*sigh* If only Clinton hadn't made the whole President blowjob scandal such a big deal, Lieberman could hope to fellate Bush in the hopes of - who knows - a Supreme Court nomination? An appointment to be King of Iraq?

Good thing I got out into the real world and experienced the culture and intelligence brought to us by our government officials.

A case against using clean toilets

In my economics class today, we started presenting our final projects. There were five presentations today, including myself. Let me begin my story by thanking my parents for teaching me proper etiquette. Rules go something like this:

1. It is not polite to exit the room in the middle of a speech or performance
2. It is not polite to enter the room in the middle of a speech or performance
3. It is not polite to abandon your own speech or performance at any time
4. It is basically not polite to move at all.

Obviously, I was undergoing a bit of a dilemma. Ten minutes before class, I realized that I didn't have any extra tampons on me. (Oh, be an adult and quit your whining) I decided not to go to my room for extras because I didn't want to be late to class. I figured I would go to the bathroom between presentations. So I went in to the class and we started presentations. Obviously I didn't want to leave during the first presentation, and thought it best not to leave during the question and answer time because I might be presenting next. Then another person butted in and presented before me, and basically rule 4 (above) applied for the entire class period.

At the end of class, having resisted my desire to go to the bathroom, I promptly left the room and walked into the nearest bathroom. The only other person in there was a cleaning lady, which made me happy because I love the smell of clean bathrooms and being the first to use a just-cleaned toilet. Don't you feel the same? I mean, the comfort of knowing that no one sat on the cleaned toilet before you, so that you can't wonder if they have herpes or crabs or something; no germs, just the sweet, sweet feeling on your backside of...

Windex.

That's right, Windex. I believe the cleaning lady was not quite done cleaning the toilet, because it was very very wet. Not in pee or water. In Windex.

At least my tush is clean.

They can take our club, but they cannot take our dignity! Perhaps because we never had dignity

Let me preface this post by saying that I get into arguments with people about treating girls and boys the same, about social conditioning and gender construction all the time. I am constantly offended and struggling with the double standards faced by both men and women in this culture.

That said, on the nifty college networking website, facebook.com, I created a group with my friends called "Women Belong in the Kitchen or on their Knees." Why? Because it's so damned true. Okay, while I might not actually believe its truthfulness, I enjoy satire. Why? Because only people who have a grasp on the concept of "wit" can understand it. And those are the only people I wish to be near. Hence, satire abounds.

The problem is, there are a lot of people who do NOT have a firm grasp of this "wit" of which I speak. And those people, for some reason, are also allowed access to the internet. It is for this reason that "Women Belong in the Kitchen or on their Knees" was stolen from under us (under our knees...? OK, that was a cheap shot) and the group's founders were sent emails notifying us that we would be removed from facebook if this happened again.

I think us people who possess a sense of humor should have our rights restored.

That said, I'm off to go bake a pie for a man to eat and iron his clothes!

Don't act like you didn't miss them...

Did you think I was slacking on the quotes? No no no, my friend! I was saving them up for a nice little gift:

Art History
- (10 minutes into the class)“I’m sure you’ve had enough of me already and want me to just be quiet.”
- (Writing on the board, without looking back)“Your eyes have now permanently glazed over…”
- “You know those conversations you have…? Okay, the conversations I had in college. You get drunk and go ‘Yeah! Why would they do that? Why would they do that?” *stumbles around like a drunk college kid*
- “There’s no getting around it, I’m a moron”
- “Among my many eccentricities is a Nautica suit.”
- “I open myself up to criticism here, but if you do criticize me, I will grade you harshly…”
- Student 1: “These aren’t stapled?”
Teacher: “no, if we press staple, the photocopier has a coronary trombiotomy”
Student 2: “I hate it when that happens.”
- (of a missing slide) “It was last seen running down Mead Way…”
- “My foot is halfway in my mouth on a regular basis.”

Economics
- “He’s got bows, she’s got arrows; she’s got… fish…? um…”
- “Whenever you use the word ‘protection’, everybody gets a skin rash.”
- “Bard, which is a Post-Keynesian ghetto…”
- “I like to draw pictures… I think it’s a pretty clever drawing”
- Student: “When will you be done with our papers?”
Teacher: “Well, I’m going to do a blitzkrieg this weekend”

Filmmaking
- Teacher: "Why would people instant message each other if they were in the same room?"
Student: "It's easier, I mean if you want to show them something online, or like send a file or something..."
Teacher: "What? If people are IM-ing each other in the same room, those people just need to get laid!"

Act your age, not your shoe size

There are many things that remind me that I am pretty much inferior in this world.
- My bank account
- Being unemployed
- People not looking at me when I walk by them
- People I know not looking at me when I walk by them
- A faculty member I interviewed not remembering me
- My inability to harness my supernatural powers
- Realizing that the main decision in my day is whether I want a tuna or chicken sandwich
- My bra size
- I still get to play the cute little kid card sometimes (where you get everything you want because people think it's cute you're new at something)
- My parents still paying bills for my cost of living (medical, dental, etc)
- Not technically being allowed to drink alcohol
- Nicknames from parents like "Pinkie" not yet gone
- Still sitting at the kids table at family events

Thankfully, there are some reminders that I am a (sometimes) mature adult:
- I can go to jail for statutory rape
- It's not too soon to notice things like my brain turning into a blob of dysfunction
- Worrying about weight and diet is no longer "something you don't have to think about yet"
- Is that a blonde hair or a grey one? is a legitimate question
- Getting less than 7 hours of sleep causes morning-after "I'm just not as young as I used to be" feelings when I realize that my body feels sick
- I started caring about politics
- I started noticing that there are a lot of stupid people. Seriously.